Do No Harm
by consideringphlebas
Summary: In Maura's mind, Jane's happiness is more important than Maura's own feelings and well-being. So instead of telling Jane how she feels, Maura finds other coping mechanisms.
1. Intro

_Do no harm._

Maura had sworn to this when she first became a doctor of medicine. And it was pretty easy to follow, after all, who can harm somebody who's already dead? Not that she would actually ever consider hurting anybody, at this moment she couldn't stop the sworn line from popping into her mind.

Standing in front of the Boston Police Department's medical supply room, Maura fiddled with her keys. When she finally located the correct one, she took one big breath and entered the room, locking the door behind her. She knew exactly where to look and paused in front of the shelf she had wandered over to.

It had been 10 months since Jane had moved in with Casey. It had been 8 months since Maura had begun drinking herself to sleep. All of her, as Jane would say, "fancy-pants wine" had begun to taste the same, but that wasn't really the point, was it? The fact was: she, Maura Isles was in love with her best friend. Her best friend was oblivious to this information and had started to settle down with one man (a possibility that Maura had completely written off). Afraid she would ruin everything; Jane's relationship with Casey, Maura's friendship with Jane, and most important of all, Jane's happiness, Maura had kept her mouth shut. But as hard as she tried, she couldn't turn off her big, genius-sized brain.

As she blankly stared at the shelf, the doctor ran scenarios through her head, trying to find any way that what she was about to do would cause harm. She couldn't come up with anything, other than harm to herself. And she wasn't included in that oath, was she? No, that was meant to be about others, right? Worrying her bottom lip with her teeth, Maura convinced herself of this "fact". And then, not dissimilar to what she had done years ago with Hoyt's blood, the doctor quickly slipped the small bottle of morphine into her cleavage, and swiftly exited the room.

She spent the entire drive home scratching at the raised red bumps all over her chest.

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**I suddenly did not like where this was headed, and scrapped it. I might change my mind and repost more chapters, unchanged or perhaps re-written. For now this is just an open ended one-shot that I'm not going to mark as complete.**

**Feedback if you want more, please?**


	2. Chapter 1

**Okay, so I randomly got fed up and decided to delete all but the first chapter of this story. I'm putting it back up all at once, and updating who knows when. So.**

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Laying on the couch as she worked on her fourth glass of wine, Maura held up the little bottle of liquid and gently shook it, lazily watching it splash around in it's glass container. Suddenly, the sound of her text tone filled the room and the doctor flinched, startled out of her trance. Putting the bottle down on the coffee table, she picked up her phone and read the text that she had just received.

"_Hey Maur, wanna go catch a movie on the weekend? I haven't seen much of you lately. Miss ya. - J"_

It was true. She had been avoiding the detective for the past few weeks. Not going out of her way to hide or anything, just small things like sending Suzie up with lab results rather than calling her friend down to the morgue. Maura told herself that it hurt less when she didn't have to be face to face with Jane. But it was a lie, like so many other things she had been telling herself lately. She typed out a reply.

_"Okay. Go ahead and pick, but please, not another gory horror movie. - M"_

After replying, the doctor put her phone on mute, grabbed the bottle of wine she had chosen for the night, and shuffled towards her bedroom, the small container of liquidized pain relief forgotten for the night.

.

The ringing of her alarm clock awoke the doctor, bringing her hazily out of her slumber. Slowly she sat up in her bed, swung her legs over the side, and unsteadily stood up. Her hands swiftly went to her bedside table, opening the drawer to reveal a bottle of aspirin, of which she quickly downed two. Then the doctor began her morning routine, which now included a few drops of Visine.

On her way to the kitchen, she spied the bottle of morphine out of the corner of her eye. Spinning on her heels, she crossed the room and picked it up, wondering what she was thinking when she "borrowed" the medicine. And so she headed to the bathroom, uncapping the bottle on her way. As Maura stared down into her toilet, ready to dump the contents of the bottle, she hesitated. In that moment her hands betrayed her and clumsily screwed the cap back into place. For a beat, she closed her eyes, took a breath. Soon the bottle was hidden behind some toothpaste in her medicine cabinet, and the (currently) collected doctor finished her morning routine and made her way to her car.

.

Upon arriving at the precinct, Maura stopped by the bullpen before heading down to the morgue. She did truly feel bad about avoiding Jane, and had decided to do her best to make it up to her, planning on adding a Friday lunch date to her agenda. As she made her way over to her trio of friends, she overheard laughter and bickering. Maura allowed herself a brief smile, and as she approached, she was swiftly hit smack dab in the middle of her face with a balled up piece of paper. Unwillingly she made a quiet, displeased noise that caused Jane to spin around in her chair.

"Oh shit! Maura, did that hit you? Frost, learn to aim."

Frost slowly sunk a little further into his chair. Maura took the opportunity to change the subject from... trashcan basketball (Maura never understood the fascination of the "game") to lunch.

Smiling, she replied, "It's alright, Barry. I think I've dealt with much worse. While I'm here, I was wondering, Jane, would you like to go for lunch today?"

The detective accepted, and Maura continued on her journey to the morgue.

As she worked on paperwork in her office, her mind was half distracted with thoughts of "what if?" and "I should have...". Seeing how Maura did not like to guess, should'ves mostly occupied her mind. So, so many should haves crossed her mind as she thought back upon the last few years of her life. _She should not have fallen in love with her best friend_ was the most frequent thought when she abused her mind with this "game". Glancing up at the clock, Maura noticed that it was nearly time for her lunch date with Jane. Joy and dread simultaneously assaulted her as she stood up from her desk and grabbed her jacket.

.

"And then Frankie handcuffed the perp and took him back to the station on his parade of pink elephants!" Jane enthusiastically gestured with her hands as she tried to get Maura's attention.

"Mmmhmm", was the only response from the doctor, who was occupying herself by spreading her salad around on its plate. She had zoned out of the conversation a few minutes ago, and had started throwing more "should haves" around her head.

"MAURA. Helloooo! Are you hearing me here? Pink elephants."

Maura's head snapped up in reflex after hearing the detective's exasperated voice. "Oh, Jane. I'm so sorry, I'm just somewhat preoccupied right now."

Jane leaned back in her chair, a patented crooked Rizzoli smile gracing her face. "We aren't working a big case right now, so it can't be that. Tell me, what's on that big brain of yours? Spill."

After hesitating for a minute, Maura said the first thing that came to her. "I met someone." That _was_ true after all, she had at one point "met" Jane.

A raised eyebrow accompanied Jane's reply. "Well, at least tell me you ran a background check on this dude. We've had enough problems with your boyfriends already. Especially Slucky."

The doctor chuckled. "No. I'm 100% positive that this person is reliable. They just- they don't reciprocate my feelings." Maura cast her eyes back down to her salad.

Jane tried to make eye contact, but failed, as Maura seemed to refuse to look up from her salad. A sigh escaped the detective's lips. "Maur, are you sure? I mean, no offense here, but sometimes you have problems communicating feelings, yanno?"

"I- no, no I'm pretty sure they don't know how I feel. They don't need to." Maura mumbled as she continued to play with her salad.

The detective seemed shocked at this admittance. "Maura, let them know. Anybody would be lucky to have you. You know that."

Maura finally looked up from her lunch and stared into Jane's eyes. After a few seconds of silence, she went back to the plate and shifted the topic.

.

Back at her house, Maura was once again draped over the couch, wine glass held loosely in her hand. A muted documentary was playing on the television, and Maura raised her head to look at the screen. A few colourful birds were flying around on the screen. The doctor returned her gaze to the ceiling, and called out to her pet tortoise. "Bass, when did this become my life? How did I end up allowing myself an alcohol addiction?" Yes, Maura had faced the truth a while back, as the last time she denied addiction her attire the next day consisted of a high-necked sweater to cover the lingering hives. At least she was high-functioning, she had told herself at the time.

Heaving herself off the couch, the doctor made her way to her bathroom and opened the medicine cabinet. The small glass bottle was (expectedly) still where she had left it earlier that morning. A shaky hand took hold of the bottle while another hand reached for an empty Visine dropper laying on the top of the trash in the can beside the toilet. After cleansing the dropper, Maura filled the container with morphine and tightened the cap.

_Do no harm._

The short sentence screamed over and over in her mind. She didn't understand why. What harm would she be causing? She, in fact, would be making things better by blurring and burying her feelings for her friend. Still, she ended up placing both containers away, the dropper back into the cabinet while the bottle followed her to the bedroom, where it was tucked safely away into the back of her bedside table.

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**Reviews ****_are_**** always nice.**


	3. Chapter 2

_Apparently Jane didn't have the patience to make it all the way to the bedroom, because the moment that she and her friend entered the house, she had Maura pushed up against the hallway wall. Her eyes dark and filled with lust, she rasped "you are fucking irresistible" into Maura's ear before pressing her lips against the doctor's. Maura closed her eyes and opened her mouth slightly, allowing Jane more access. As Jane deepened the kiss, Maura threaded her hands through the detective's unruly hair. Breaking the kiss momentarily, Jane looked down at the doctor with a mischievous grin. As she leaned back in to capture Maura's lips once more, she slowly slipped her hand down the front of Maura's jeans. The smallest of moans began at the back of the doctor's throat. And then-_

And then Maura woke up. Her phone had once again alerted her that she had a text message. Of course, it was from Jane. After confirming the details for the following night, Maura tried to sink as far into her mattress as she could. She had sworn to herself that she would _not_ allow herself to have these kind of thoughts about her friend. It seemed that her subconscious mind had decided to break this rule. Ashamed, she let her hands finish what her dream had started.

.

As Maura had recently adopted the habit of sleeping in on her days off, it was well past ten by the time she had showered and dressed. Walking into the dining room, she spotted Bass crawling along the floor. Crouching low, so she was as close to the tortoise's eye level as possible, Maura began a private conversation with the reptile. "So, Bass. Another new day, huh? What should I do with myself today?" It was a beautiful Saturday morning, and Maura had the whole day to herself. Normally she would curl up with a book, or go for a jog, but those activities didn't seem to suit her today. No, she kept thinking back to her dream. Her wonderful, amazing, (dammit, don't think of it that way) dream. Scooting her legs out from underneath her, the doctor plopped herself down on the floor completely, sitting cross-legged and leaning forward on her elbows. "Really Bass, what _am _I going to do? I crossed the line even further this morning, and I don't think that that is going to help with my problem, is it? I mean, I'm acting like some love-sick teenager, only with worse coping habits. What do you think-" She cut herself short as the tortoise slowly swung around and started to waddle away from her. In a very un-Maura Isles like manner, the doctor leaned backwards until she was lying on the tile of her dining room floor, sprawled out like she was making snow angels. She concentrated on the ceiling.

Fifteen minutes later, she finally managed to raise herself from the floor, and Maura found herself magnetically drawn to her bathroom. Once again she opened her medicine cabinet. Once again she picked up the eyedropper full of powerful painkillers. Only this time she didn't hesitate. Dr. Maura Isles, the Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts was currently standing in her bathroom dropping liquid morphine into her mouth. Dr. Maura Isles, the Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts was currently getting stoned on stolen opioids. Dr. Maura Isles, the Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts had just admitted to herself that she had finally lost her collective shit. She knew the correct (slight over)dosage that she was aiming for, thanks to her medical training. It was just a little tricky trying to figure it out using an eyedropper. When she was satisfied (and disgusted) with the amount she had administered, she walked out into her living room, sat on the couch, and flicked on the television.

.

"_It's too bad Tolstoy didn't get to use his original title: War, What is it Good For?"_ Maura laughed heartily along with the laugh track of a sitcom that she would never have considered watching until _very_ recently. The morphine hadn't taken long to enter her system, and after sitting down and flipping through the TV channels, Maura had found herself stopping on the comedy channel. She had been giggling like a schoolgirl ever since. She felt euphoric, and suddenly all of her anxieties about Jane had slipped away. Not that her feelings towards her friend had changed, she just didn't feel trapped and frustrated by them anymore. Relief. Maura felt relief.

For the next five hours, Maura felt that relief. After five and a half hours, the gravity of what she had just done sunk in. She tried not to panic, and kept quietly reciting facts about the drug to herself. _Morphine is for pain relief. I felt pain. Mental pain is as legitimate as physical pain. So I took morphine. The pain stopped. I used the drug as it was meant to be used. And will continue to use it only when needed. I will make rules pertaining to it's usage._ Absentmindedly scratching at the red bumps on her chest, Maura smiled. Yes, everything was going to be alright.

.

Maura awoke the next morning feeling slightly nauseous, but that was nothing she hadn't handled before. She popped her usual morning aspirin pills, and fell into her morning routine. As the doctor made herself a healthy omelet, her thoughts drifted back to the previous day, specifically the hours after she had ingested the morphine. Momentarily forgetting about her omelet, Maura decided that she would not repeat the previous day's activities. After all, tonight was movie night with Jane, and the doctor did not want her senses to be dulled while she was going to be around her friend. That would be rule number one. No morphine when she was to interact with Jane. She could handle that. Looking back down, Maura found her omelet smoking, burnt on one side. She ate it anyway, perfection be damned.

.

Jane arrived slightly late as usual, jogging up Maura's driveway in a hurry to get a move on so they would have enough time to watch the previews before the movie. She fucking loved the previews.

Maura swiftly arrived at the door, and Jane ushered her back to the car. They sped off towards the theatre.

As they left the movie, Maura was shaking her head and asking Jane why exactly she found explosions and car chases to be so exciting. Jane had no real answer for her other than a quick shrug of the shoulders. Maura found this act to be adorable and before she could stop herself she was uttering "Jane, would you like to come back to my house for a drink and another movie?"

"Sure. Just let me call Casey to let him know."

Maura felt herself flinch as the sound of "Casey" escaped Jane's lips. Jane didn't notice.


	4. Chapter 3

**Aaah sorry about the long wait. My computer went kaput and I was without it for a bit, and I didn't want to continue on without my file. And sorry about the short chapter, but I prefer more frequent updates with shorter chapters as opposed to waiting a long time for a longer chapter. If you guys disagree, let me know.**

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Jane grabbed the remote to surf Netflix for another movie. "You wanna pick this time, Maur? You let me choose twice in a row, and I know _Phonebooth_ isn't your type of movie, so speak now or forever hold your peace." When Jane received no answer, she looked over to Maura, and saw that she had quietly fallen asleep on her side of the couch. "Mauraaaaaa?" She playfully poked at her friend a few times, but still received no response. It was getting kind of late, so she decided she'd leave Maura as she was. Jane figured she'd tidy up, and just let herself out.

Before cleaning up, she lightly laid a blanket over her friend, and then spun back around to the coffee table, picking up her two empty beer bottles. After rinsing them and placing them in the recycling bin, she went back into the living room to clean up after Maura. She picked up the empty bottle of wine on the table, examining it. It was some fancy brand whose name she wasn't even going to try and pronounce. Then, to clear the table completely, she picked up Maura's glass, which was still slightly full of... red wine? Hadn't her friend been drinking white wine when they sat down earlier? Jane shrugged. She didn't know shit about wine. For all she knew, Maura had some secret bottles of hot pink wine stashed in her wine cellar. She just emptied the glass and rinsed everything again, for good measure. Then she let herself out, careful not to disturb Maura's sleep.

.

Maura woke around four in the morning. She had a severe kink in her neck, and as she tried to massage it out, she realized that she was lying on her couch. She must have fallen asleep, and it looked like Jane had cleaned up for her. Although typical, Maura had never thought of it when she switched out wine bottles during her "bathroom break". Jane probably hadn't noticed. Jane had never really cared all that much about her "fancy schmancy wine".

She did wonder why Jane hadn't tried to wake her. Perhaps she had tried, but still received no response. Maura tried not to think about it as she filled a glass of water to place on her bedside table. Falling into her bed, she glanced at her alarm clock. 4:47. Her alarm would be waking her within an hour. She scrunched her eyes shut and pinched the bridge of her nose. Opting to just lay in the darkness, she stared at the ceiling. Fifteen minutes later she instead opted to conjure up images from her dream as she slowly slid her hands down her body, stopping just as they came to rest under her underwear.

Her eyes scrunched up again, she tried to convince herself to stop. She opened her eyes once more, and punctuated the act with a heavy sigh. Then her hands started to move.

.

With a dull ache behind her eyes, Maura arrived at the station, and she did her best to avoid the bullpen. She wasn't ready to look Jane in the eye yet, she needed to wash her morning's activities from her head. However, when she arrived at her office, Jane was waiting for her at the door.

"Jane. H-hi." Maura stopped dead in tracks. She should have just gone back to sleep this morning._  
_

"Hey Maur. Just wanted to check up on you, you kinda conked out on me last night. You feeling okay?" Jane shoved her hands into her pockets.

_I don't think I've been feeling okay for a small while now. But I guess _"I was just super tired Jane, I'm so sorry. On Saturday I tried out... a new exercise, and I guess it kind of took it's toll on me."

Jane chuckled. "Just stick with lotus position, Maur. Plus, if this new routine tires you out this much, I'm sorry to say I have no interest in joining you. Waking up early in the morning just to run around is enough for me."

"No, I didn't think you'd want in on this anyway, don't worry. I guess I should take it slow. I'm really sorry about last night, Jane." And apologetic look flashed across Maura's face. Jane lightly punched her in the arm and started toward the elevator.

"Don't worry about it."

And that was all she was trying to do.

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**Reviews are always appreciated!**

**I'll try to be more frequent now :)**


	5. Chapter 4

**Yeah so I had some bad brain problems and I couldn't concentrate long enough to write a chapter. Now that that's passed a bit hopefully we can get this back up and running again.**

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Maura snuck out of the station early that day, stopping to grab a burger on her way home. When she got home, she placed the burger and fries out on a plate and sat down at her table. She stared at the food. It was definitely not her typical supper, but she felt no energy at all to cook. Or eat, for that matter. After having an intense stare-down with the burger, she swallowed two bites and then rose from the table. Off to the wine cellar she went, and foregoing a glass, she carried herself and her wine towards the bedroom. Laying on her back, she drank in the dark.

_What the hell are you doing?_

_Trying to forget._

_Is it working?_

.

She woke at two in the morning. Part of her shirt felt wet and sticky. Looking down at herself, she realized she must have missed the target right before she fell into her slumber. Leaning, she peeked over the side of the bed. There was a deep red stain there too. Unsteadily sitting up, Maura hung her head between her knees. This needed to stop. This was not helping anything.

_But that can wait 'til tomorrow._

_Are you sure?_

_What am I supposed to do about this at two in the morning?_

_You could empty y-_

Maura, for perhaps the first time in her life, voluntarily shoved the rational side of her brain to the side. Reaching down beside the bed, she grabbed the open bottle of wine laying on the floor and salvaged what she could before she fell backwards, head hitting pillow. She fell asleep minutes later.

.

Maura woke to the sound of her alarm screaming at her. She bolted upright and quieted the offending noise. Then she fell back onto her arms, a wave of nausea rolling through her. Closing her eyes, she took deep breaths. And when that didn't help, she ran to the bathroom.

.

Clearly she had overestimated herself last night. It didn't help that she had barely eaten supper, but she had also hit the bottle(s) harder than she ever had before. Repeatedly rinsing her mouth with Listerine, she looked at herself in the mirror. She looked presentable, even if she did not feel it. She couldn't lie, but she could put up a decent facade, she had learned how through necessity in her younger years. What people see is what matters. Convincing herself of this fact, she tried to ignore the throbbing in her head and proceeded through the house until she reached her front door, slipping on the shortest pair of heels in sight.

This time when she entered the station, she went straight to the bullpen. That way she could greet Jane on her own terms, no surprises. She walked up to her friends.

"Good morning Vince, Barry." They nodded at her. "Hello, Jane. Would you like to go get some coffee?"

Jane chucked the file she was holding onto her desk. "Hell yeah. Anything but paperwork. I'll even take Stanley's sock coffee over filing paperwork." She grinned at Maura, who couldn't help but beam back a smile. Even though Jane (unknowingly) was slowly picking her apart, she didn't know what she would do without her.

.

".;'234687./1/.&*6Casey/97UYF&*)((Saturdaylksdhj*! &^hSK98"

Maura was having an exceptionally hard time focusing on her conversation with Jane. Between her headache and attempts to filter out details she knew she didn't want to hear, Jane's dialogue had nearly been completely reduced to static. Maura fiddled with her coffee cup as she tried to respond with what she thought would be the appropriate social cues, filling the gaps in Jane's speech with the facial and hand gestures she was so accustomed to.

"ln;aksfbino**)jopsflk_O0Maura,oiasidofholklklmaur a?kasd89he?"

She _was _accustomed to Jane's gestures. She was accustomed to Jane's speech. She was accustomed to Jane's touch, Jane's smell, she was accustomed to _Jane._ She should be the one who got to see Jane's quirks every day, all day. Did Casey know that Jane's favourite time of day was right before sunset, when they could sit outside and talk until the stars appeared? Doubtful. Was Casey aware that when Jane raised her left eyebrow she was-

"lak;nse877_MAURA_alks;dlf88)=!

...

...

.

...

..."

Silence caught Maura's attention quicker than her name had. She realized that she had been staring straight down into her coffee cup for... how long? Her head snapped up. She shifted in her seat. "Um," She blinked rapidly a few times. "Jane, I..." Her eyes closed momentarily as she desperately tried to think of something to explain why she wasn't listening, some kind of truth she could bend. Jane's words beat her own.

"Did you- how much of that did you actually hear? Maura, you've been distant lately," Maura's stomach clenched, guilt flooding over her as her mind raced through all the moments she had deliberately avoided, been distant with, bent the truth to, _neglected_ Jane. "What's wrong? Did I do something? I can't think of anything, but maybe... sometimes I don't pay attention and..." Maura's nausea returned. Jane hadn't done a thing to hurt her. Not intentionally. The conversation had morphed into some twisted concept that _Jane was the problem._ Maura swallowed air. She was the problem. This was her fault, and now she had begun to hurt Jane. Suddenly her own hurt didn't matter as she realized that she had been the problem this entire time. Not Casey. _Casey_ was making Jane happy, and _Maura_ was only hurting her. The room wobbled and her grip tightened around her coffee.

"I... not you... didn't do a thing... and..."

Jane's face was a blanket of concern, and she stood from her chair, moving over to Maura and dropping into a crouch so she could look up into her friend's face. "Maur, what is going on? That wasn't even a sentence. I don't even know what that was. Something is obviously seriously wrong here, Maura. Can't you at least tell me something, anything? I wanna- can I help?" Maura's entire brain was currently only focused on the task of breathing. "Maybe I can't help you, but I can listen, or, oh god, you're gonna make me guess and I know hate guessing, you don't wanna make me guess, do you? Please just let me in here." Maura wasn't even registering the rapid pace of Jane's voice or the fear in her tone. Running a shaky hand through her hair and quickly standing up, she stepped back from Jane.

"I think I need to leave."

.

Maura was pacing her kitchen. In the corner, Bass had tucked himself into his shell over thirty minutes ago. Her phone was buzzing, again, and for the fourteenth time she chose to ignore it.

It was her. It had always been her. She wasn't good for Jane. Jane was hurt. Jane was hurt because of her. She didn't deserve Jane. That's why she wasn't with her. She never would be. Obviously. She only ever plodded along behind her, like a lost puppy. An unclaimed puppy. Just following. It was her. She was the problem.

Suddenly she was in the bathroom, staring into her medicine cabinet. There was no hesitation this time, there were only swift, mechanical movements that efficiently delivered morphine from the eyedropper to Maura.

Two steps down the staircase to her wine cellar, the small part of Maura's rational brain that was currently working sent off alarms. She stopped in her tracks, desperately pleading with the alarm to be more blatant. What was it trying to tell her? Wine. No wine. Don't drink the wine. Go back up the stairs and lay on the couch.

She did.

.

Four hours later, Maura found herself still laying on her couch, staring at the ceiling. Her breathing had slowed as well as her mind. She continued to focus on the ceiling.

.

Two hours later, Maura still had not moved. The effects of the morphine were wearing off and she replayed the day back in her mind. Over and over again. She allowed her rational side to take over again, but that just caused a new kind of panic.

_How the fuck was she going to explain what happened in the café?_

.

Jane was roused from her forced sleep by the not so cheery tune that accompanied Maura's phone calls. She dumbly stared at the screen and blinked heavily a few times until the screen was readable. 3:18. It didn't matter though, and she quickly swiped at the screen. "Maura?"

Silence.

"Maur?"

Click.

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**This chapter started to spin out of my control just as Maura's mind did the same. I decided to just run with it.**

**So Maura was a little triggered by what Jane said, and reality distorted. Won't it be fun to rebuild reality?**

**Let's just focus on the positive and be happy that Maura's brain kept her away from the wine! (a.k.a. don't kill me for breaking Maura)**

**Reviews make me squeak in delight. Just saying.**


	6. Chapter 5

**Good god, two updates so close together. What is this?**

**Anyway.**

**While I'm not explicitly stating Maura's thoughts, I felt that I needed to incorporate some sort of element to indicate that her brain is racing, and not functioning the way it should. So in this chapter, the run-on sentences and repetitive statements start.**

* * *

The sun was shining bright as Jane entered the station. She had arrived early this morning, as she knew that Maura, on most days, did the same. Early meant not having to rush. Not having to rush meant she could try to coax answers from Maura, not pry them.

Impatiently, she jabbed repeatedly at the elevator button. When eternity was over, Jane stepped into the elevator and repeated the same jabbing motion at the button that would take her to the morgue.

She sped through the hallways as fast as she could without breaking in to a run and when she reached Maura's office, she let herself in. When she found that the room was empty, she placed the extra coffee she had brought on Maura's desk, while sipping from her own cup. Then she planted her butt down firmly on that godawful designer chair that Maura insisted on keeping. After a short while her ears perked up as she heard footsteps. As she stood she realized that the sound she was hearing was not the distinct clicking of Maura's heels, but rather a disgraceful plodding gait.

She reached the door just as Dr. Pike did. Without a word, she stepped backwards until she was out of Pike's way, and he entered the room.

"Detective Rizzoli." He nodded his head in a greeting as he readjusted the height on Maura's desk chair. "How are you this morning?" Satisfied, he sat down on _Maura's_ chair and started to absentmindedly rearrange _Maura's _desk.

Jane skipped formalities. "That's Maura's- why are you here?" She crossed her arms and frowned. She hated Pike's intrusions almost as much as Maura did.

"It seems the good doctor was rather ill this morning. She phoned in early, and obviously the next call was to me, as I _am _the most qualified for this position."

Jane's blood was burning. "Did she happen to mention exactly what her illness was, Dr. Pike?"

He scoffed. "Really, Detective Rizzoli, is that the most important matter right now?" Jane inhaled deeply. "Would you mind if I took that coffee? Clearly you brought it for Dr. Isles, and clearly she is not here, leaving it's ownership up in the air. Seeing how early I was awoken this morning, I most certainly could use the caffeine."

With one fell swoop Jane pushed the coffee off the edge of the desk, sending it tumbling to the floor.

.

Maura was stretched out across her couch. She hadn't really fallen asleep, more so drifting in and out of blurred reality. Around five in the morning she had decided that there was no explainable reason for what occurred at the café. She had dialed in sick at that point. Nobody could see the hives over the phone.

She had, of course, showered and changed clothes. But clad in yoga pants and a sweatshirt, she was not up for much other than channel surfing. If you could call it that. There wasn't actually a name for what she was doing so she chose to categorize lying on a sofa absentmindedly staring through a TV while clutching a wine bottle as "channel surfing".

Unable to stop thinking about everything, anything, Maura had spent the morning drinking and rapidly cycling from rational to irrational thinking. Never before had she found it so difficult to decipher one from the other, not that she was all that aware of the changes. All she knew is that she was toxic, and that she had slowly been poisoning Jane just by being in her presence. Maura was radioactive, and she was causing Jane to develop cancer.

How could she have been so stupid to actually think that her "friendship" with Jane was symbiotic? Recalling many (of the wrong) events, she realized that she had just been leeching attention from Jane. She had been selfish, so so selfish with neediness, they way she dropped all her problems on Jane. She failed to realize that the many of her problems were rather entwined with Jane's career, and Jane would have been left to deal with them whether Maura was around or not.

Her jealousy of Casey was so incredibly selfish too. How could she want to take happiness away from Jane just to satisfy her own desires? How could even think that it was okay, for even one minute, to pretend that perhaps Jane loved her back? How was it okay to indulge in ridiculous sexual fantasies involving her best friend (the word friend was still up for debate) just to provide herself with momentary happiness? She was sickened that she had even given an iota of thought to the idea of a potential break-up between Jane and Casey. What good would even come of that? Maura would gain nothing, and Jane would just be in pain.

Maura's mind was skipping over all of the times that Jane had dropped whatever she was doing, work related or personal, to come to Maura's aid. All of the times that Jane had risked her reputation to help Maura deal with certain "family problems". She didn't come up with a single recollection of any time that Jane had asked, had needed Maura to be there for her, in any context, for support. All the times that Jane had gone up and above the responsibilities that came with the title of "friend".

Maura's brain was scrambled. Jane had unwillingly cracked Maura's head open and poured the contents into a skillet, mixing and adding ingredients such as self-doubt, self-loathing, self-hatred, into the pan as she created an omelet of emotional distress.

Jane had done so with one sentence. Jane had no idea of knowing that that one sentence, those four words, would be the last gentle push that would send Maura over the edge. Jane had no idea of knowing how delicate Maura had become, as Maura, ever the refined, collected woman was a master of creating happy facades.

If Jane _had_ ever thought of Maura as a friend, it was killing Maura to know that her pain, her hidden feelings, when found by Jane, would hurt Jane in ways that she couldn't fathom. She suddenly hoped that Jane really didn't care about her, that Jane was only being kind to her in order to get her job done smoothly, as she had seen her do so many time with Dr. Pike. Jane just had to stretch the kindness further because Maura was _so damn needy._

Giving up on her bottle, she hurled it across the room, hitting the wall smack-dab in the center of a set of framed pictures of her and Jane and the rest of the Rizzoli's. She didn't care about the liquid dripping down the wall, leaving an ugly red stain.

.

When Jane showed up at Maura's door after an exceptionally long day at work (not helped at all by Dr. Pike) she rang the bell repeatedly. When there was no answer, she called Maura's cell, over and over. The tenth time she heard Maura's voicemail, she seriously considered blowing the doorknob off with her service weapon. But she couldn't draw attention to... whatever this was. Maura was clearly struggling in a way that Jane didn't understand. She desperately wanted to understand. In lieu of breaking and entering, Jane peered through the window of Maura's kitchen. She saw lettuce leaves scattered on the ground, a box of cereal on the counter, accompanied by an empty bowl, and a deep burgundy wine bottle laying on it's side next to a dirty spoon.

Jane considered herself to be a pretty good detective.

Despite this, Jane had no idea what the hell was going on.

After calling Casey to let him know she would be staying at Maura's for the night, she dashed to the Dirty Robber to shovel down a meal and returned to Maura's house, settling into the backseat of her car for what she knew would be a restless night.

.

Maura needed a distraction. She had been hiding under the covers of her bed ever since she had mustered up the energy to clean up the shattered glass that had been lying on the floor. She had Bass to think about, after all. She had tried to have a meal after cleaning, but not much happened other than wine and Lucky Charms (how did those get into her cupboard?). But she had barely slept, so she was tired, and had a headache from hell. Her stomach was sending pleas for food, her 3:00 supper had not been sufficient in the first place, and when she glanced over at her clock she counted the hours that had passed while she had tossed and turned. It was now 6:00 a.m. so she had been in bed for... fifteen hours? Disgusting. Oh god, did she need a distraction.

Rolling to the edge of her bed she tugged on her dresser drawer, more forcefully that she had meant, and the entire contents crashed to the floor, including the drawer itself. Oddities were tossed to the side as she searched for the bottle she had stashed there some time ago. Pulling it free from the debris, she cradled it in her hands and rolled back to the middle of her bed. Shaking the bottle, she evaluated the amount of liquid left in it. Despite the fact that she poured most of it into her eyedropper, there was still plenty of oblivion splashing around in the bottle. The back of her mind was sending warning signs off again, don't be careless, don't risk a miscalculation. Grasping at the rational thought, Maura decided to tumble out of bed and find the dropper. She carried it back to her room, and laying on her back, she stared straight up at the bottle she held it above her head. She hesitated this time, fighting her arguing thoughts. Seems she would be calling in sick again today.

After quickly passing the message on, she allowed herself the chemical relief. Staring at nothing, she waited for her thoughts to slow, for the blankness she craved.

An hour later she had her arms outstretched in front of her, and she was intensely studying her shaky hands. They had never trembled before, preciseness had been evident in every movement she had made. Jane had ruined her. No, Maura had used Jane to ruin herself.

No. No no no, she didn't need want to think about that. Indulge in pleasure, ignore the pain. What was pleasurable? No, not that. No. Yes. No. No. But yes. Her drug addled brain pushed her on. Why not continue to be selfish and use Jane for her own benefit, for a distraction? That's what she wanted, wasn't it? To distract herself? Wait, wouldn't doing that make things worse? But everything she had with Jane was already fucked up, it had _always_ been fucked up. It was already so one sided, why would it matter anymore? Why was she still thinking about this? Where the fuck had her peaceful morphine induced state gone? Just do something to shut the thoughts off. Anything. Pick something. Just do it.

She couldn't even decide which side of her brain had won as she closed her eyes and moved her hands south.

.

_Maura found herself being pushed back onto the island in the middle of her kitchen. She wasn't going to complain though, not when Jane was the one doing the pushing. Her legs hit the counter with a loud thump and the two broke apart long enough for Maura to raise herself onto the counter while Jane dropped to her knees. Maura was leaning backwards, supported by her arms, and she shivered in anticipation. Jane's hands slowly worked their way up Maura's legs, taking her skirt with them. Jane cocked an eyebrow. "No underwear, Dr. Isles?"_

_"When you're around, never. Now stop using that mouth for talking." Maura resisted the urge grab Jane by her hair to lead her to where she was desperately throbbing._

_"You're quite the bossy one tonight, aren't you? And what if I don't comply?" Jane grinned._

_Maura wrapped her legs around the brunette's shoulders and used them to pull her forward. "Oh, you'll comply."_

_"Fine." Jane hissed and drew out the "f", blowing air over the exposed skin in front of her. Placing her hands on the abdomen above her, she leaned in. Maura groaned and her head fell back just as Jane's tongue-_

Maura's head snapped up when she heard her doorbell rang.

She sighed at the interruption. Jane didn't even get proper attention from her in her fantasies.

Against her better judgement, she forced herself from her bed, not bothering to fix her appearance. Answering the door would be enough of a facade, and she was supposed to be sick anyway, right? She probably just needed to sign for a package.

.

Without any thought, Maura flung her front door open, bloodshot eyes squinting when the sunlight met them. She recognized the disheveled silhouette through her squint, and a beat of silence passed before she realized she should say something.

"Jane." was the only word she could squeak out.

* * *

**I have what I like to call a Spock brain, and a Kirk brain. Sometimes they fight and Spock brain desperately tries to knock Kirk brain out, to keep everything rational and orderly. I'm kind of applying this to Maura, because as rational as we almost always see her, nobody is perfect, and when triggered the way she is, she isn't going to be even close to perfect. And yeah, not a whole lot happened here, just setting up for Jane to confront Maura.**

**Oh right, btw, every time you leave a review, a baby kitten opens it's eyes for the first time.**


	7. Chapter 6

Maura quickly flashed back to when she had told herself that everything was going to be okay. She hadn't anticipated her realization about the reality of her relationship with Jane. Really, she hadn't anticipated anything at all. She had been living in the moment when she told herself that. The moment she had been living in moved too fast for her to keep up with.

Jane raised an eyebrow and looked at her watch. "Um, Maur, can I come in? Not that I don't like standing outside your door for, well, several minutes, but I _don't_ actually like standing here for several minutes. That was a terrible sentence, I don't even know what I'm trying to say- just- hello? You. Me. Inside the house. Doorstep uncomfortable."

Maura shook her head quickly, as if it could shake the drugs from her system. It had only been around two hours since she had slowly dripped morphine from the dropper to her mouth. "Oh. Yes. Yes, come inside." This was not a good situation. She hadn't yet been around anybody while she was stoned, and this seemed like a terrible time for her first encounter.

.

Maura had paused after she closed the door behind Jane. She had to make a quick decision as to which room she should lead Jane to (no not the bedroom stop that), and she was having a hell of a time weighing her options. Which mess should she let Jane see? Maybe they could just... stay in the hall? Or...

Suddenly Jane's face was inches from her own. She could feel Jane's gaze investigating the bags she knew were under her eyes, her flushed cheeks, and oh god she could probably smell her breath too. Maura jerked backwards. She closed her eyes for a moment as the sudden movement caused the room to swirl.

"Are we in slow motion, here? I mean, as lovely as your hallway is, even nicer than your doorstep you know, I'd rather be able to sit down comfortably. You seem to, uh, be a tad sluggish today."

Jane's tone was harsher than she had intended it to be, but she was stressed, and watching Maura space out in front of her twice in a row was kind of freaking her out.

Maura, on the other hand, had no idea that she was reacting so slowly. Her thoughts were slightly panicked as they ran through her head, and she couldn't decipher them as easily as should could if she were clear headed. It suddenly clicked for her that her "racing" thoughts were currently moving about as fast as molasses. Molasses? That was a terrible analogy and horribly cliché, come to think of it. Molasses didn't really move on it's own, so comparing it to something that did really didn't make much sense and stop stop stop thinking and start talking. "..." Nothing appropriate came to mind, so she reverted to the role of polite hostess. "Can I get you anything to drink, Jane?"

"Wha- no! We're like, not even in your house yet. We're standing here next to your shoe rack and you're offering me a drink of- what exactly is it we're drinking?" Jane gestured wildly. "What even-"

Maura tried to claw her way up from the hole she had fallen into. "I thought you might want some coffee, Jane. You usually start the day with a coffee, and I just thought that you would perhaps want me to prepare a cup for you while you-" Maura made a snap decision. "got settled in the living room."

Jane inhaled deeply. "Yeah, sure, whatever. Just, make a cup for yourself too, y'know, perk yourself up." She pointed over her shoulder. "I'll just play fetch with Bass while I wait." With that, Jane backed up, turned, and headed towards a room with an inexplicable reddish-brown stain dripping down the wall.

A goddamn reddish-brown stain that her idiotic actions had caused. A reddish-brown stain that she could, for once, instantly pinpoint the substance that caused it. She knew it wasn't blood, but it was evidence that was just as incriminating in another way. Maura's breathing sped up, and she briefly leaned against a wall to rest before heading to the kitchen. She could come up with something while she made coffee. Jane knew it took her time to make a perfect cup. She had time to come up with a reason for the splatter on her wall. Pushing herself upright, she made her way to her coffee cupboard as she tried to find a plausible situation to explain her new decor. Decor. Could she say it was some sort of art deco thing? Her hands moved purely from muscle memory as she created the perfect cup of coffee. Jane doesn't like art. Jane doesn't keep up with that sort of thing. Maybe there was a new trend... that Maura created (Jane didn't need to know that), and Maura was just testing it out and-

That was a terrible solution. Something else. She needed to come up with something better. She needed to pay attention to what she was doing and _not burn her arm on her stupid fucking ridiculous coffee machine_. She gingerly held her arm as she stooped slightly, biting her lip to stay quiet. Clearly the morphine had made her clumsy as well as sluggish and wow that really hurt even with the drugs in her system and speaking of the drugs why couldn't she have left them alone this morning, what did she think that would even accomplish, why did Jane have to be here _right now_?

Ignoring the burning sensation spreading on her arm, she rolled the sleeves of her sweatshirt down and quickly finished what she had begun. With a mug in each hand she slowly padded down the hallway. Every action causes a reaction. She was terrified of what reaction she might encounter within the next few seconds.

.

When Maura entered the room she spotted Jane sitting cross-legged on the floor, leaning forward on her elbows and murmuring a quiet conversation with Bass. Had she noticed? Maybe she hadn't noticed. Maura's eyes scanned the room for nothing in particular. She had to have noticed it, it practically was screaming for attention. Maura could hear it. It buzzed in her head like static.

Her arm shot out, offering a cup of coffee in Jane's general direction. She cleared her throat to gain attention as she didn't quite trust her voice. Jane's head turned towards her but Maura couldn't read it, she couldn't think over the static that was buzzing away in her ears. The damn stain wouldn't shut up.

Slowly standing up, Jane watched Maura out of the corner of her eye. "Sooooooo..." Leaving the incomplete question in the air, she walked over to Maura and took the coffee as a courtesy.

Maura completely ignored the drawn out word. "Shouldn't you be at the station?"

"Personal day."

Jane never took personal days. Why did she take a personal day? Did she take an entire day off just to come and deal with Maura's shit? Her stomach dropped in guilt. "Why did you- what happened? Is something wrong?" Maura hoped her half hearted questioning would distract. She knew it wouldn't though.

"Maura." Jane let silence linger in the air for a minute before she spoke again. "Would you mind answering your own questions?"

"I didn't take a personal day." It was true and it was the only way Maura could think of to try and deflect. "I simply don't feel well."

Jane's stare was unrelenting, and Maura was feeling claustrophobic. She cleared her throat again.

"What else?"

"I'm not well, Jane. I'm not sure what else you'd like me to explain." She tried to discreetly shift in her sweatshirt, attempting to cover as much skin as possible.

Eyebrows raised, Jane walked over to the wall and rapped the back of her knuckles against the wall, her gaze never leaving Maura. "Maur."

She didn't reply to the unspoken question. She had nothing to say about it. Sure, Jane perhaps didn't know exactly what the stain was, but she certainly knew that it existed in what was normally an immaculate room.

"_Maura._"

Maura just gazed straight ahead, avoiding Jane's eyes and choosing to focus on nothing in particular. She set her coffee down on the table, if only to break the stillness in the room. Her eyes flickered downwards as she chewed on her bottom lip.

Jane's head tilted, her face a mixture of a wide variety of emotions_. _"Would you please use your words?"

Moving over to the couch, Maura sat down and pulled her legs up onto the cushion, bending them while wrapping her arms around her knees. Her brain wasn't processing information fast enough, and as much as she willed it to, nothing changed. "That." She struggled against the urge to flee. She didn't want to fight. "That is a thing." An instant internal flinch occurred within Maura at the terrible attempt to keep from using a distinctive descriptor.

"That's a thing? Everything is a thing! What type of thing is this particular thing?" Jane's patience was starting to slip. She hadn't known what to expect, so she had prepared herself for a variety of possibilities, but an uncharacteristically vague Maura was a difficult thing to deal with.

"It's... red?" Maura offered. "Reddish-brown." Her voice felt tiny.

"Why thank you, Dr. Isles, I hadn't noticed. I'll be sure to put that in my crime scene notes." Maura's fuzzy brain faltered. Crime scene? What? Does she think this is a crime scene? No. No, obviously not. It was sarcasm. Jane _should_ be at a crime scene right now though. The static in her head was starting to get louder and her arm was throbbing. She had pulled Jane away from her job, her important job, for what? To clean up after her? Maura added that to the list of burdens she placed on Jane.

Jane spun to face the wall, taking a deep breath to try and regain some of her lost patience. As she rubbed at her forehead, she took the slightest step backwards and let out a short, muffled cry as she stepped on an overlooked shard of glass.

.

Maura inhaled sharply as Jane calmly lifted her foot to investigate what exactly it was that she had just stepped on. She should have cleaned better, she should have gone over the area one more time. But she didn't and now the oxygen content in the air around her was decreasing.

Jane picked the tiny piece of glass from her foot, and then stood up to investigate it, not caring that she was lightly bleeding on Maura's floor. "What the fu-" Jane stopped suddenly as she placed the deep burgundy tint to the glass. Her eyes flickered up to meet Maura's.

"Your foot, Jane. I can get you a bandage if you'd like." Maura offered, but she knew it wouldn't distract Jane. Jane was past the point of distraction. Jane was also past Maura, pushing through her on a path to the counter she had seen through the window the night before. "Jane!"

When Jane didn't respond, Maura simply followed.

.

As she turned the corner, Maura was greeted by the sight of Jane holding the tiny shard next to the empty wine bottle Maura had so carelessly left on the counter. She stepped forward and stopped, trying clumsily to grasp at anything to explain everything that had happened in the last 24 hours. She took a step backwards as she realized that now that Jane had been in her home, she couldn't wave off the café incident as some sort of misunderstanding anymore. Now everything was so much more complicated. And of course she had to add to the situation by getting as fucked up as she could within the shortest amount of time possible. A great plan, that had been. But this was all her fault, had been, from the start. Her head dropped and she stared at her feet.

When Jane was satisfied with her investigation she turned around and started to speak. Her first word barely started as she suddenly changed her course of action. Tilting her head in a slightly threatening manner, she spoke slow and clearly. "Come here." Before Maura could even contemplate the thought, Jane had already crossed the gap between them, and yanked down the collar of Maura's sweatshirt, exposing her neck and clavicle. "Okay. Now, answer me. Are you drunk?"

She wasn't anymore. That was a safe question, and without looking up she quickly shook her head "no".

Jane was silent, waiting for hives to appear. When nothing happened she pressed a little more. "But you were drinking."

Technically, Maura hadn't had a drink since the day before. Jane's question seemed to point at the present, so Maura lifted her head and tilted it as she replied with a small "no".

Violently releasing her grip on Maura's shirt, she turned her head away for a moment and sighed deeply. "Cut the crap, Maura. I thought I was imagining it when I got here, but I actually can smell your fucking breath, y'know."

Grasping on straws, Maura snapped back a little louder than she intended to. "I'm not allowed to have a drink at night with my supper? In my own house?"

Wrong answer. Maura watched as Jane's jaw clenched before she exploded. "_A _drink? One? With your fine fucking cuisine? Tell me, Maur, when did Lucky Charms become a delicacy to be paired with some fancy fucking wine?" She paused for a moment. "And those are mine, I don't appreciate when people eat my food." Honestly she wouldn't have cared, if not for the circumstances.

"J-"

"No. You don't talk now. You listen and then you tell me what the fuck this is." Jane continued, her voice rising ever so slightly. "So did your wall have a drink too? Please tell me you offered it a bowl of cereal as well. Common courtesy, right? I imagine it declined though, after you oh so delicately chucked it's drink at it? Am I correct here? And what the fuck are you if you aren't drunk? You've spaced the fuck out on me multiple times already and I've barely been here an hour." Maura's eyes started to lose focus. "What the _fuck_ is going on? You need to tell me if you want me to help you. And I want to help you. And I don't want to fucking guess. You've got too much shit going on right now, from Paddy, to Hope, to Caitlin, it would take me a lot more than the common three attempts at a guess."

Jane instantly wished she could take back her last sentence as she watched Maura curl into herself slightly. Her voice dropped to a whisper. "God, Maur, I'm so sorry, that wasn't-"

Guilt overwhelming her, Maura blurted out her next statement right overtop of Jane's apology. "I can't."

She couldn't. She couldn't tell her. Not where this had all stemmed from, not why she lost it at the café, not why her house was suddenly in the state it was in, and certainly not why her eyes were slightly glassy.

"I'm not- no. No, you can't just ignore me. I can't ignore this. Please-" Jane's eyes softened. "Let me help you. I don't wanna see you keep doing whatever it is you're doing to yourself." She looked away. "I wanna... I wish I could go back and stop you from whatever... keep you safe from..." Jane still had no idea what had caused this, and she was not aware of how far back this had begun. She was running on the assumption that this was a spontaneous outburst. So she didn't know how to finish any of the sentences she had started. "I just- I love ya, Maur, and I wish you'd bring your walls down soi ?canmay&78Nbedo(((&3somethingt""":97U*ofixthis_397 d**iwish$$ ).)icou+++++/&"

**I love ya.**

_I love you._

Maura shut down completely at that statement. Completely. She turned away and walked to her bedroom, locking the door behind her. She could hear loud footsteps approaching the door. Jane was yelling now. "Maura! Fucking- I'll take every fucking personal day I have- you know that it's a pretty high number- I'll take every one and I will sit outside this door until you come out. I will stay inside this house until I'm satisfied with a reason for this. And a solution. If you somehow force me out I will fucking sit in my car until you let me back in. And I'll repeat this cycle if I have to." Her voice finally softened. "I'm not letting you go through whatever this is alone. I just wanna- somethings wrong and you won't tell me and you won't let me help and I just can't-" Her voice cracked, and she didn't finish her thought.

Maura just picked up the eyedropper from the floor and dropped a few more drops into her mouth. She wasn't counting anymore.

.

Jane heard Maura phone in to inform the station that she would be spontaneously taking her vacation days, apologizing for the short notice.

.

Maura heard footsteps gradually fade as they moved farther and farther from the door. She was waiting for the sound of her front door opening, and then closing, when she instead heard the sound of her refrigerator door being slammed shut. Jane's voice followed. "If you don't plan on coming out of that room, I'm going to have to get you one of those chute things they put on prison doors. So I can feed you."

.

During an intense game of Tetris on her phone, Jane heard Maura muttering to herself, seemingly having a bad dream (at 4 p.m.?). She couldn't really make out anything from the muttering other than Maura whimpering "don'thateme" at one point.

.

As Maura woke up from the first few consecutive hours of sleep that she had achieved in the past days, she heard Jane talking in a one sided conversation. She picked up the words "personal days", and then later on she heard, "won't be home".

.

Finally having enough of this bullshit, Jane kicked at Maura's door with the flat of her foot, causing a loud bang and leaving a bloody smear. "Maura. Unlock the fucking door." Receiving no reply, Jane rattled the doorknob, then kicked the door again. "I swear to god, there better be a good reason for this." Her unwarranted outburst of anger made time suddenly catch up to her, and she felt tired. She took off her blazer and stretched out on the floor, rolling the garment into a makeshift pillow.

.

When Maura opened her bedroom door to evaluate if it was safe to come out, she looked down when it met resistance. She shut the door quickly, before Jane could wake up and register what had knocked against her leg.

.

Jane slowly opened her eyes and rolled over to snuggle into Casey who... wasn't there? When her eyes focused she found herself facing a perturbed tortoise, whose path she was blocking with an outstretched arm. She then remembered why and where she was, and rearranged herself so she wasn't a roadblock. "Sorry, dude."

.

Maura had been awake during the early hours of the morning, and after listening to Bass repeatedly bump into some object, she fumbled around for the eyedropper. Once she had ingested a few drops of the painkiller, she cleaned the mess on the ground.

.

Jane woke at her normal time, and finding herself exceptionally stiff from sleeping on the hardwood floor, she decided that it would be okay to move to the living room. She'd keep the TV quiet enough so she could hear if Maura opened her door.

.

The sound of Bruce Willis' voice penetrated the walls of Maura's room. Jane had evidently left her post. Maura's head was fuzzy and light and it was hard to think. She had only eaten that one bowl of cereal in the last 48 hours, and had had a constant stream of morphine in her system for around 24. She didn't stash snacks around the house like Jane did. She'd have to open the door eventually, if she wanted to attend to the clenching of her stomach caused by hunger.

.

Just as _Die Hard _was ending, Jane heard the creak of a door, and she jumped up off the sofa and headed towards Maura's room. Worried she wouldn't make it to the hall before Maura could lock herself in a different room, the bathroom perhaps, she jogged through the house. Maura was still in the midst of closing the door behind herself when Jane skidded to a stop. Waiting for Maura to say something, she evaluated what she saw. Eyes still bloodshot, Maura had a hell of a cowlick going on from what Jane assumed was caused by sleeping face first into the pillows. Maura's eyes were also still quite glazed over, and she didn't seem very alert. The sleeves of her sweatshirt had been pushed up sometime during the night and while the left one had mostly rolled back down, the right one was still pushed up just enough to expose a burn mark.

"You look like shit."

* * *

***bats eyelashes and asks for reviews***


	8. Chapter 7

Looking at Jane, Maura sighed. She stretched, rolling her neck and eliciting several loud pops. When she realized that Jane was waiting for her to explain something, to say anything, she simply stated, "Please leave."

Jane slumped in an exasperated manner. "I thought I made it clear that that wasn't going to happen until I feel I get the answers I'm looking for. Or at least until I know whatever set you off can be fixed."

It couldn't.

Maura was attempting to remain as detached as possible. The Queen of the Dead had disappeared several years ago, and now she desperately wanted her to return. She wanted her walls back up and fortified. "I've asked you to leave Jane. That means I do not want you on my premises, and given that fact, you are technically trespassing."

Jane's eyes popped wide open. "Are you _fucking _kidding me? Really, what the fuck did you actually just say to me?"

Maura brushed past her to head for the kitchen, finally attending to her stomach's pleas. "I think I was rather clear."

Throwing her hands in the air, Jane turned to watch Maura walk away. "You have got to be- I'm not leaving. Where are you going? Are you finally going to eat? Good." Jane yelled after her. "You better not eat any more of my Lucky fucking Charms."

.

Jane made a big show of loudly stomping to the door, making sure Maura could hear her leave. Well, pretend to leave. She opened the door, then slammed it shut, trying to replicate how she would slam a door when she was leaving the interrogation room after being fed up with a witness or suspect. She then picked up her boots, carrying them with her as she tiptoed to Maura's second bathroom, one that she rarely even entered.

She was posed like _The Thinker_ as she sat atop the toilet, wracking her brain for anything that Maura had witnessed, done, said, indicated, _anything _that would give her a clue as to help her friend.

Movie night... Maura had fallen asleep on the couch, and while the two of them would occasionally nod off during late night movie sessions, Maura had been out like a light. Not to mention the fact that it hadn't really been that late at all, compared to other movie nights they had had. Obviously it had just been a long week, and Maura had worked too hard? But... there was something Jane felt she was missing. Why had she recalled this particular memory? What had happened, what signal was she missing? Running both hands through her hair, she broke her _Thinker_ pose and clutched at her head. Why this memory? Why- W- Wi-

Wine. Jane had dumped Maura's glass that had contained red wine. She had thought nothing of it at the time, because she honestly did not ever pay attention to whatever high end booze Maura had dropped $1000 bucks for, so what was weird about the red wine? Something was weird about it, she was grasping at the far ends of her memory trying to remember why the red wine had been so weird.

Wait. It had been white wine. The bottle had been white wine, hadn't it? But red in the glass? Maura wouldn't have ever thought of storing anything in any bottle other than the one it belonged in so why...

Hadn't Maura gone to the bathroom at one point? Jane had waved her off, involved in the movie they had been watching. But... when Maura came back, she refilled her glass? Had she? Dammit, why hadn't she paid more attention? But why would she pay attention? She had no reason to, after all. Jane had been content with beer, so why would she pay attention to what Maura was drinking? Was that it? That must be it.

Maura had made a mistake. The continuity of her drinks didn't make sense. At least that was the idea that Jane had currently latched onto. She had to find out somehow. How could she do that? She could- would she be able to make it to the wine cellar without Maura catching Jane still wandering about in the house? Shit. She had to try though, didn't she? It was her only lead.

And so Jane moved slowly, ever so slowly down hallways and around corners, ears alert to any sign of movement that she would need to avoid.

.

After what had felt like an eternity of tiptoeing, Jane was at the doorway to Maura's basement cellar. On the journey from the bathroom, she had heard no movement at all, which made her nervous. She had no way of knowing exactly where in the house Maura was, and depending on her location, Jane would either be able to do this, or she would get caught red handed. But she had to see. She needed to know. So she slid the door open as quietly as she could, and then gently nudged it back into place once she had gotten down a few steps. She waited a moment to see if she had been found. When there was no furious Maura flinging the door open, Jane stepped lightly down the stairs. Reaching the bottom, she took the risk of flicking on the light.

Holy shit. Where- why was it so poorly stocked down here? Not that Maura ever had a giant collection, but she always did have way too many choices for Jane to even understand the differences between. But now the choices seemed to have narrowed quite a lot. A lot a lot. Way too a lot. This was weird. Jane didn't like it. Would Maura have sold off some of her collection? Nah, she wouldn't have had any reason to do so. Then how? Did she- no, there was no way she could have drank that much, was there? Fuck. There was only one way to find out. She was about to risk the wrath of Maura Isles.

.

Maura was sitting on her couch, a plate of pasta balanced on her knees, a glass of wine in her hand. Breakfast of champions. She really didn't care at the moment. She was just relieved that Jane had gone. Eventually she's be back though, Maura knew. Jane didn't give up on things easily, and it seemed that even if their friendship was only superficial, Jane had kicked into detective mode. Detective Jane was a force to be reckoned with and Maura was so deep in thought trying to think of solutions, she didn't hear the footsteps approaching. She didn't even notice the figure in the doorway until words were spoken.

"How long?"

Maura's head whipped up, trance broken, heart rate speeding up. It was Jane. She hadn't expected Jane to be back so soon, even in detective mode but hold on how did Jane get back in after she had left this morning? "How did you get back in?" Her glare was icy.

"I never left. How. Fucking. Long?"

Even though Maura realized exactly what Jane was referring to, she denied to herself that she had been found out, and tried to channel The Queen of the Dead again. "I explicitly stated that I did not want you in my house, Jane." She wasn't worried about lying anymore, because she would refuse to answer any questions. Instead she would try to push Jane away.

"Goddammit, Maura. I don't fucking care right now. Call the cops. Do it." Jane stalked towards the couch and snatched the wine glass out of Maura's hand with one quick swipe. "When?" She shoved the glass into Maura's face, trying to make a point.

Jane watched as Maura reached for her phone.

"Seriously. You're actually going to go there? Fuckin' A, Maura, you're just trying to provoke me now, aren't you? Well, have atter." Jane swung the glass through the air, splashing the contents in a line along the nearest wall. "Thought I'd add my own touch to the place." She dropped the empty glass to the floor, near her feet.

Jane wasn't completely in control of her actions, and what she had just done had made her aware of that fact. She needed to calm down, if Maura was going to tell her anything, Jane was going to have to tone it down. She tried to breathe out the frustration caused by her friend's avoidance tactics. It helped enough for her to be able to settle down on the couch next to Maura. When she did, she nudged the phone out of Maura's grip, as Maura was sitting paralyzed, somewhat frightened by Jane's sudden anger. Jane took the plate from Maura's knees and set it on the ground, next to the empty glass.

Even though Maura had wanted Jane to leave, to go and not come back and gumshoe, she was currently terrified at what she suspected Jane had realized. Right now she didn't really want her to leave, she needed to find out what Jane was going to do with this information before she could let the detective exit her house. Her earlier threat had been empty. Eyes fixed on the pasta on the floor, she suddenly felt a tug at her elbow. Mechanically, she complied to the gesture, allowing Jane to take her hands into her own. When she looked over, it was if all of the anger had left Jane, her facial feature completely changed, almost tired looking.

"Why, Maur?" She looked down at nothing particular on the floor, before locking her eyes with Maura's.

Willing with all her strength to hold back tears, and wishing that the effects of the morphine hadn't worn off, Maura sputtered. "No."

"When?"

Maura shook her head. "No."

Jane let go of Maura's hands so she could place her head in her own. She was speaking to herself now, just as much as she was speaking to Maura. "Christ, Maura, what- why didn't I know? How didn't I notice? I'm not- I should have noticed, you're my best friend and I didn't even know that... you were... are..." She peered up at Maura. "Why? Let me help. Please."

Jane was putting blame on herself. Jane felt irresponsible for not knowing. Jane felt a responsibility towards keeping Maura safe and with every turn that Maura took, she was making it harder and harder for Jane to do so. It was her fault. She was the one who had started drinking every night. She was the one who had ridiculous daydreams that would never come to be true. She was the one that was causing Jane guilt. She was making Jane feel guilty and no no no this was not Jane's fault it was her own damn fault and Jane shouldn't even know about this, no, she shouldn't be involved at all.

"I made this mess, Jane. And now it's hurting you. That's why you didn't know. And I'll just keep hurting you more if I let you help. Just- please leave. Why won't you leave?" Her voice cracked and she fucking prayed to an entity that she didn't believe in to allow her to keep from crying. "Why the hell do you even want to be near me?"

Jane's face fell even more. "Because you're the closest friend I have ever, ever had Maura. I feel privileged to be around you. Maura, I lo-"

"No." She was going to say it again, wasn't she? Why would she keep saying it? Was she actually deluded into believing that their friendship was healthy? God, she needed see how disgusting Maura really was. But Maura couldn't think of a way to show her without giving everything away. So she pleaded one more time. "You don't. I don't know why you think you do, but you don't. I'm defective, and I don't deserve your pity. Just leave. Go back to work, do your job, send other people to come talk to me. Go home, be happy with your family, and with Casey. Forget about me. Go."

Jane bit her lip, hard. She scrunched up her eyes to hold back the tears that she knew would come now, or later. "You know what? I will go. Clearly you aren't going to tell me _anything_." She let out a small huff of air. "I will go home. But I'm not going to forget about you, and I'm not going to forget about this. I don't want to enable you, but I can't stop you either, can I? So I'll protect you for now and keep this to myself, unless you do something that requires me to disclose this. Clearly you aren't going to fuck anything up soon, because I still have no inkling as to when you started this, and that's killing me, but you haven't slipped up yet. I only know because I forced myself in after you scrambled the fuck out of the café and hid from me. So I'll go, but I am going to figure out what's wrong, and I am going to fix it, because I don't like seeing my best friend hurt, okay?" She stood up and headed towards the door. Maura followed like the lost puppy she was.

Jane slipped on her boots and opened the door. Without looking back, she spoke barely loud enough to hear. "Please think about getting help." And then she was gone.

She hadn't thought twice about the eyedropper that had been sitting on Maura's counter. Why would she?

.

Maura felt sick. Jane knew. Jane knew Jane knew Jane knew. She knew enough, anyway. Enough to destroy everything Maura had established in Boston, if Jane felt inclined to spread the news. Jane fucking knew and Maura was hunched over her toilet, retching.

.

She couldn't sleep. She just watched TV. More accurately, she stared through the TV. It was 4 A.M. and Maura was stoned and shoveling Lucky Charms into her mouth. She was trying her best to focus on not focusing on the TV, rather than focusing on Jane. The morphine kept her anxiety at bay and slowed her thoughts, but it couldn't alter them and she was trying, oh god, she was trying so hard to think of anything but Jane. Everything she had revolved around Jane, and with the realization that she needed to push Jane away, she felt empty. She was a void. Currently she didn't care all that much, empty was good right now, but in a few hours when she would come back to reality, she would panic. And then she would drink or take more drugs and just start the same fucking circle she had trapped herself in.

The worst part was that she caught herself, for just one second, not giving a damn.

.

Maura's light snoring was interrupted by the sound of Jane's ringtone. Initially, she decided to ignore it and let herself slump back down into the rather uncomfortable position she had fallen asleep in. Then she changed her mind. She needed to know what Jane had to say, she needed to hear Jane tell her that she had realized how horrible Maura was, how fucking clingy she was. She needed to hear Jane tell her that she had given up on her.

She bolted upright, sending her cereal bowl and the last dregs of milk in it to the ground. The sudden movement made her dizzy, and her head felt like it had caved in. But she had to find her phone. Where was it? She needed this she had to hear it so she could rest so she could go back to life without Jane so she could erase the years of friendship and stop causing her friend (no no not friend, colleague yes that was the word) pain. She had broken her oath, she was causing so much harm and where the hell was her phone? Shoving her hand between the cushions of her couch she finally located the sound of the ringing, and bringing the phone close to her face she desperately swiped at the screen. "Jane? Jane. Jane? Hello?"

She had picked up too late.

Ready to throw the phone across the room, she was interrupted by the bloop of her voicemail alert. Maybe this was better. This way she could play Jane's demeaning words over and over and maybe that would make it easier to reverse their relationship.

She didn't understand what she heard the first time, and had to press a button to repeat the message.

_"You're in Italy. Constance got ahold of some tickets for some amazing art show at the last minute, and wanted you as her plus one. You're in Italy and you're looking at art and nobody will try to bother you during your vacation, because you can't do anything for us from Italy. Everybody knows you aren't in Boston but I assure you that nobody will be googling for Italian art shows. I lied for you, and I suggest you take advantage of that and use your time wisely._ _Your time in Italy that is. Bon voyage."_

.

After downing the last of her wine, Maura clicked the confirm button that she had been staring at for the last two hours. She got up and started packing for her red eye flight. In the early hours of the morning she'd be on her way to Italy.

* * *

**Wow guys thanks for the awesome reviews! I think they make me write faster, because I'm glad that people are enjoying this rather than tearing me apart (well except for party pooper Dale). Seriously, I know everybody loves their fictional characters and I was kind of worried that I would have angry mobs coming after me because Maura's got some major problems going on. So I like to know that ya'll are enjoying and I would love to keep hearing that. :)**

**Might be a delay in the next while, I just got a second job and my schedules don't sync for 2 weeks so I'm pulling 13 days in a row. It'll give you some time to think about why Maura decided to actually go to Italy and what she might do there. Or something.**


	9. Chapter 8

**(WHEW, everything is re-uploaded now)**

**This was going to be a longer chapter, but I struggled writing from Jane's POV.**

* * *

Maura had thought that maybe Jane had been on to something. Go away, get some distance, come back however you want to be, a brand new person! All of those sappy movies had to have some truth to them, right? Maura ignored the fact that she knew things didn't work that way, especially since she had travelled more times than she could count.

So instead of enjoying the sights, forgetting her worries, leaving thoughts of Jane behind, _leaving the damned escapism behind_, Maura found herself in yet another nightclub. As hard as she had tried to break away, the magnetic pull of the slight peace she found from alcohol had drawn her to a bar or nightclub every night since she had landed. This was the fourth time and although Maura had already woken up three times berating herself for the night before, she couldn't stop. She couldn't remember what other things there were to do at night.

The club she had picked was much busier than any of the other places she had visited. It seemed it was a big tourist attraction. Although she was displeased to be around so many people, she didn't say no when she was asked if she would share her booth. Maura initially thought that the woman had inquiring as to when Maura's friends would be returning. No, Maura wasn't here with friends, all those empty glasses were hers. No, don't worry about her, but sure, go ahead and have a seat. Yes, Maura was from America as well.

When she was beginning to feel like she was beginning to be interrogated, Maura looked up at the woman, about to ask her to please be quiet. Then she looked at her for the first time, really looked at her, not just quick glances up from her drink. She almost choked on the sparkling deep brown eyes that she met.

.

And now Maura had been chatting, and flirting, with... Abby? Lindsay? Ryan? for a little over an hour now. She had been too busy staring at the tall brunette's eyes to catch the name of the woman she was talking to over the loud bass of the club music. It seemed that she had another Jane Doe on her hands. Suddenly she found herself being pulled onto the dance floor. Maura didn't complain, she just followed. Long arms spun her around and pulled her flush against the other woman's body. Warm breath at her ear followed. "Do you want to get out of here?"

Maura hesitated for the slightest of moments.

"Okay."

.

After Maura finished paying, in cash, for the hotel room that she had insisted on, she led Jane Doe to the elevator. While they waited to reach the seventh floor, a quick, innocent kiss turned into something not so innocent. By the time the two had fumbled out of the elevator and not so subtly made it to the room, Maura's skirt was quite a bit further up her legs then it was a few floors before, and she had to pull her hands out from under Jane's (Doe. Jane Doe's.)shirt to swipe the keycard at the door. They fell into the room and Maura pushed the brunette gently to the ground. She was kidding herself if she thought they would actually make it to the bed anyway.

.

Maura rolled herself off of _Jane_ (no no no no no stop calling her that her name is... it's... call her Amanda or Amy or fucking anything else) and sunk her head into the pillow of the bed that they had transitioned to. She sighed, feeling almost content, almost naturally relaxed, for the first time in months. Then all of a sudden, she found a long arm draped across her stomach. She flinched, and the reality of what just happened sunk in. She had completely, absolutely objectified... whoever this was, and Jane as well, by proxy. Not that she hadn't objectified Jane before, now that she was thinking about it. She cringed. How many times had she fucked herself while thinking about Jane now? She didn't know, but hell, why not drag some strangers into her mess too? At least this way she could give a bit instead of always only selfishly getting.

.

Once Jane Doe had fallen asleep, Maura slipped out from under her arm. She chucked a few bills on the floor, so Jane Doe could get a cab home wait did she just pay for sex? No, no focus, get out before she wakes up and goddammit just forget about finding the underwear buying more is really easy and Maura was panicking again when she stepped into the elevator. She closed her eyes in relief when she remembered the tiny eyedropper in her purse. A few drops and a few deep breaths helped her ready herself to go for a walk of shame through the hotel lobby.

.

Back in her own hotel room, Maura stood in the shower, skin red from the scalding water. Her thoughts were degrading, but they were mercifully slowed, now that she had drugs running through her system.

Out of the shower, she towelled her hair and stared in the mirror, a distorted version of herself looking back at her. Leaning her forehead against the cool glass, she sighed.

What would be worse for the Chief Medical Examiner of The Commonwealth of Massachusetts to be caught doing; drinking unusually large amounts of wine in one sitting, stealing and misusing BPD opioids, or having anonymous hotel sex?

She figured part of it would depend on how good the hotel sex was.

.

There was an envelope on the floor. The envelope on the floor had Jane's name written on it. In Maura's handwriting. There was an envelope on the floor outside of Jane's door and evidently Maura had left it there.

Jane quickly snatched it up from the floor, afraid of what was in it. Maura was now severely worrying Jane and she had no idea what the envelope might contain. She was scared, really scared and now she wished that she hadn't left Maura alone. The envelop had a bit of weight to it and _shit shit shit. _Without pulling out the note, Jane peeked inside and saw a key. Okay. A key. That could... fuck, that could mean anything.

She was going to be late for work, but Jane didn't care. This was probably really important or really bad or dammit just read the note.

_"Please feed Bass for me. - Maura."_

"Goddammit." Jane crumpled the note and chucked it as far away from her as she could. "What the fuck are you doing now?" By keeping Maura's secret, and then lying for her, she had totally fucking enabled this, whatever it was. But what else could she do? Maura was her friend, and she was fiercely protective of her. So much that it was now proving to be a fault.

.

Work had dragged the fuck on and on and fucking on and Jane was tired from deflecting inquires about Maura. Why the hell did everybody think that Jane would be able to answer any and all questions about her friend? Frustrated by her day and her inability to solve the case of _Maura and the Missing Wine_, Jane threw a few leaves of lettuce to the floor, and started wandering around Maura's house.

.

Jane was sitting cross-legged on the floor in the middle of Maura's wine cellar. It seemed smaller than normal, suffocating almost. Pulling her knees up, she hugged her arms around them. She was surrounded by bottle after bottle of wine and although the number had greatly decreased, there was still way too much alcohol in this room for Jane to feel comfortable, with her new knowledge fresh in her memory. She still didn't know where Maura was, and she could only assume that Maura would return before her vacation time had run out. Hopefully she would. If she didn't, it was really time to start _really _worrying, like phone Ma to have a vague talk worrying, and Jane was already sick about this whole situation.

She sat on the floor for a long time, looking at all of the different shapes, sizes, and colours of the bottles that surrounded her. Jane had thought about dumping everything, but not only would that take a very long time, Maura would probably never speak to her again, for a variety of reasons. Anyway, she couldn't force recovery onto Maura, that was a decision that she had to make herself. What the fuck _could_ she do?

.

This was the stupidest thing Jane had ever done. She felt ridiculous but now that she had finished, she didn't want to undo everything she had just accomplished. Plus she had to make that weird look from the cashier at the stationary store worth something, right? Sighing, she looked around at all the sticky notes hanging from the bottles stored along the wall. There was a colourful piece of paper stuck to every bottle. Every. Single. Bottle. When Jane had gotten back from the store, she had stared blankly at the bag of post-its, unsure of what exactly she was going to actually do with them. So she started drawing silly pictures on them. Anything that came to mind, from goofy stick figures to flowers to cartoon skeletons to terrible renditions of Jo Friday and Bass. Just- just anything that could maybe make Maura pause for at least a moment when picking a bottle. Jane didn't actually know what she thought this would accomplish, but Maura seemed to be really fixated on the idea that she was a burden to Jane. So Jane had decided to stick a smiley face on one of the bottles that were currently plaguing Maura _and _herself. And then another sticky. And another. And then the whole place was covered. Maybe Maura would realize that Jane really did care for her, enough to draw hundreds of pictures on teeny pieces of paper for some plan was never really thought through. Jane was so stupid. This was so stupid.

"Fuck!" Jane was yelling at nothing in particular, she was just angry and didn't know how to channel it into something that wouldn't end up ruining her relationship with Maura. "Godfuckingdammit!" She roughly ripped a sticky from a bottle and crumpled it. This was so fucking stupid. But she sat down and started drawing on a replacement note anyway. She was mumbling to herself. "Might as well make this as stupid and cheesy as possible."

.

Jane stood at the bottom step of the stairs, peering through the doorway to evaluate what Maura would see when she would next come down here. Smack dab in the middle of the rainbow of post its were a row of plain white notes, with one letter drawn in block letters on each.

YOUARENOTALONE

There were a few more white stickies bunched together underneath the line.

PLEASE LET ME HELP

WE'RE IN THIS TOGETHER

.

A disembodied voice floated through the air. "Jane, why the hell is there a turtle in the bedroom?"

"Tortoise. It's a tortoise, Casey. I thought Bass might want to have some company while Maura's away." Also, she wouldn't have to return to Maura's house to feed the reptile. She knew if she did she would continue to torture herself by being so close to so many clues but unable to do anything about it. She had decided to refuse to let herself look at anything of Maura's that wasn't in plain sight. That was around the time she had loaded Bass up for a trip, before she could change her mind.

"What the hell do we do with it?" Jane could picture the look on Casey's face, just from the tone of his voice. What the fuck was wrong with pet-sitting?

"Well I would suggest we try and keep him alive until Maura gets back. Pat his shell every once in awhile. And we could stop yelling too. I think it scares him. Is his head in his shell?"

Not comprehending the fact that Jane's concern for the tortoise was sincere, he simply yelled back. "I'm not cleaning up after this damn thing."

.

Maura had cut her impromptu trip short after her encounter with Ms. Doe. Upon pulling up to her home, she decided that she felt even more tired than she had before she left.

When she turned the knob of the front door, her eyes were caught by a neon green post-it stuck on the floor. She bent to read it.

_I thought Jo could use some company, so Bass is having an extended sleepover. Whenever you happen to read this, you should come pick him up. Maybe stay for supper? - Jane_

Supper with Jane and Casey. Yes, that was exactly something she needed to sit through. Sighing, she rubbed at her eyes and moved to deposit her luggage in her room. Next stop was automatic. Time of day meant nothing anymore, when related to the societal norms of drinking.

.

The sudden flash of light as she flipped the switch made Maura blink. When she opened her eyes, she saw dozens of colourful slips of paper. Investigating, she plucked one from a bottle and brought it close to her face. It was a crude stick figure, rather plump compared to stick figure standards, and it had wavy lines drawn above it's feet. "_Korsak stinks_". Maura chuckled. She tore another paper away from a different bottle and found a picture of a little tortoise dressed in a tuxedo. A genuine smile graced Maura's face, but as she looked up she noticed the cluster of white notes. Her smile disappeared, and she left the room with the bottle that had housed tuxedo-tortoise, leaving three white notes on the ground. She had left them on the ground after she ripped them from their bottles. The word TON was now laying on her floor, discarded.

* * *

**Soooo, I'm wavering between happy ending and not so happy ending now. Two paragraphs could easily make the difference, the way I have things planned right now (subject to change haha planning). Would you care to weigh in?**

**Oh and Angela's on vacation or something I don't know she's just not there, yeah?**

**And I just want to say that I do strongly believe that you cannot force recovery from anything upon anyone unless they are prepared, ready for and accepting of the idea of it. This is just based upon my experiences, and it's okay if you disagree. I think Jane would believe this, as in my little world she _does _have at least minor PTSD and decidedly chooses to refuse treatment/therapy, despite prodding. Maura obviously has a more serious situation than Jane, but the same rules apply. Also Jane is not pushing for the why as hard as she perhaps should be because she is still trying to process the information herself, because again, based on my experiences it's fucking hard to broach the topic. I still haven't and I've been processing the information for years. But I could just be chickenshit. Anyway, this is getting way too long, so yeah, just my thoughts.**


	10. Chapter 9

**Just so we're all clear, Jane is really lost and confused, and a little angry at herself still.**

* * *

Why did Jane have to take Bass with her? Sure, Maura had once again burdened Jane with some silly task that she shouldn't have to deal with but she had had nobody else to take care of the tortoise. She didn't want Bass to be in any harm, so she had begrudgingly left the note and key for Jane, because there was _no one else._ It had been another realization for Maura, the fact that she only had one petsitting option (she skipped right over any of the other Rizzoli's, or hell, even Korsak would probably be glad to care of another little creature). She relied on Jane for everything it seemed. She had tried to push it out of her brain as she had boarded her plane, but upon returning home she was hit smack dab with her own sad sob story.

And so here she was, standing at Jane's door, shifting anxiously on her feet. The door opened and she was met with silence and a sober stare as Jane evaluated her friend.

"Are you drunk?"

Maura shook her head slightly and regarded Jane quizzically. "Pardon?"

"Drunk. Are you?" Jane's greeting wasn't pleasant, but she hadn't spat it out in disgust either. It seemed like a sincere question, really. And Maura didn't even need to lie, as she had only had two drinks before she had gathered up the nerve to retrieve Bass. It now took a lot more than two drinks to get her drunk.

So she shook her head again, this time with more conviction, to convey that she was not impaired. "No." She spoke for extra emphasis.

Jane swung the door completely open then stepped back. "Well then, I'll choose to believe you and invite you in." The unspoken suggestion of Jane's growing hesitance to take Maura at her word hung heavily in the air.

Maura gingerly stepped into the house, as if treading on broken glass, and lingered in the entranceway even after Jane had turned down the hallway. She didn't want to intrude. She just wanted to get her tortoise and to get the fuck out, really. After all, her common companion was now going to be the reptile so if she didn't want to be completely alone, (she didn't, even though she deserved it) she needed Bass back. Interaction with Jane would only make things worse, as she had decided she needed to cut herself out of Jane's life. She needed to, if she wanted to stop hurting her. She was startled out of her silence when Jane popped back around the corner.

"You coming in, or?" Jane jabbed her thumb over her shoulder, pointing behind her and indicating for Maura to follow.

Why did Jane want her here? She hadn't even prodded for details of Maura's disappearance. She had simply invited her in, after Maura had passed the "I still trust you, for now" sobriety test. Surely this invitation was only out of obligation.

"I'm sorry Jane, I have a-" A what? It was late enough that there really wasn't anything that Maura would realistically be tied to do, especially after spontaneously returning from a trip. "I- I, uh, I'm tired. My plane just got in a few hours ago and I just-" _Just really need to get drunk and pass out? _"-am hoping to get some extra rest in. I just thought I'd drop by so you needn't have to deal with Bass any longer than necessary."

Jane's shoulders sagged minutely and her happy expression faltered momentarily. "Deal with? Maur, it's not like having the little guy around is a problem." She flashed a smile. "Hell, Jo was happy for the company. I mean, you coulda given me a little more notice but it's not a big deal and you don't need to..." Jane's sentence trailed off as she watched Maura continue to awkwardly fidget with her footing. She cleared her throat quietly and finished. "You don't need to feel bad about asking me for help." She didn't continue on to say that she wanted Maura to want her help, to please ask her for help, Jane wanted to help, she _needed_ to help. She hoped that her statement was ambiguous enough to convey the message. "But, if you insist, we can go pack Bass up and get you on your way, yeah?"

Maura gave a quick nod, and now that her immediate departure was insured, she stepped further inside the house to retrieve her pet.

.

Maura sat on her couch, wine in hand, tortoise at foot. She was dreading the day to follow. Jane had somehow invited herself over for a movie night. Maura attempted to talk her way around it but Jane was persistent, which confused Maura. Why couldn't she just get this woman out of her life? _What the hell did Jane want from this relationship?_ Didn't she see how toxic Maura was?

A bottle later and Maura stumbled to her room, then fell into her bed.

.

"alcoholism for dummies"

"i'm a dummy and my friend is alcoholic"

"how to deal with alcoholism"

"how do i get somebody to stop drinking"

"ALCOHOLISM ADVICE THAT ISN'T HOW TO BECOME ONE GODDAMMIT"

"alcoholics anonymous boston"

"intervention options that aren't cheesy"

"help me my friend is hurting herself and i don't know what to do"

_JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WAS GOOGLE ACTUALLY SUPPOSED TO BE A USEFUL TOOL? WHAT THE FUCK WAS SHE SUPPOSED TO BE SEARCHING FOR ANYWAY? _

The key world "alcoholism" brought up far too many joke websites and stupid YouTube videos for Jane's taste and after earnest Googling attempts turned into ridiculous searches (Okay, AA Boston had been useful but how do you just drop a bomb like that?) she had gotten fed up with herself for not knowing what to do. Jane cleared her browser history before slamming her laptop shut and crawling into bed with Casey. She didn't need him to accidentally see her pathetic search attempts.

.

And now Jane was standing at Maura's door, holding a drink tray and nervously running her hand through her hair. She had brought lattes (well, a latte for Maura, plain old sugared coffee for herself) because lattes obviously went so well with movie night. Popcorn and lattes! A special treat! A special, non-threatening, non-alcoholic treat!

Christ, she was stupid.

She hadn't know what else to do though, really. They had always shared beer and wine while watching cars blow up or hearing about whale mating cycles. She wasn't sure what to replace their drinks with, if Maura would even agree to it. Fuck, could she even ask Maura not to have a glass wine tonight? Was she supposed to body block her if she went for a bottle, or what? How was this supposed to go down? Jane was suddenly absorbed in possible scenarios and didn't notice the door open.

"Jane?"

She jumped, started by Maura's interruption of her thoughts. "Uh, yeah, hi. Sorry. I guess we're equal for spacing out on each other on the doorstep, huh?" Holy shit that was not funny why the fuck did she say that what the fuck was even remotely okay with that sentence jesus christ she was not properly equipped to deal with her own problems, let alone someone else's say sorry say sorry say "Sorry. That was really, well, not okay. At all. I'msorryhere'salatte"

Maura just stared at Jane dumbly. Rude or not, Jane was just laying down the facts, and Maura couldn't deny that she had been lost in her head far too much lately. So she just plucked the paper cup with MAURA written on it from the tray held limply in Jane's hand and forced a smile to convey that she hadn't been offended.

Jane weakly reciprocated with her own smile and glanced sideways at nothing in particular. She was not prepared for this is anybody prepared for this sort of thing how would she even prepare for elephant-in-the-room-movie-night? She should have put more effort into researching this shit did she honestly think she could figure out how to navigate this herself? Shit. "Should we go pick a show out?" Jane felt ridiculous with her casual suggestion but it was the first thing she could think to spit out.

Maura stepped backwards, an invitation to enter, and smiled politely. "Yes, let's." She was still unsure as to why Jane continued to force herself into her life.

.

Maura sipped at her drink as she watched the romantic comedy that neither her nor Jane were really interested in. "Thank you." Jane's head turned to face her, slight confusion written on her face. "For the drink. Thanks."

"Oh." Jane fidgeted with her own cup. "Yeah, no problem. I wasn't really sure what you'd, um, want to-"

"I know. And I know you'd rather be drinking a beer right now too. You can, if you want. I don't mind." And she didn't. It wasn't as if it would be tempting. She had been drinking already, and she would just continue after Jane left. It wasn't as if she were attempting to stop.

"Uhhh, yeah, I've still got some coffee left here. I'm good." Jane shifted on the couch as she once again considered the amount of alcohol that was stored in Maura's house. Some of it, the beer, was even Jane's. That couldn't be helpful, could it? But it's not as if she could just pluck it inconspicuously from Maura's fridge and prance off into the night on her way out. And really, would a six-pack or two even make a difference at this point? Jane was getting lost in thought again, the sound of the movie mellowing out in the background.

Maura sensed Jane's unease, without even trying. If she was so uncomfortable being here, why bother? This was only making things worse, for Jane at least. Jane had forced herself in and now she was suffering for her foolish attempt to maintain her relationship with Maura. Maura figured that she perhaps should just be as blunt as possible now. No more bullshit lies, just try to show Jane how disgusting she truly was. _Make_ Jane see it, because obviously she seemed to think that Maura still had some redeeming qualities, for whatever reason. So blunt, but no over-sharing. Nothing about any of the things Jane didn't already know about.

"I was already drinking, anyway. Earlier." Maura's voice was flat, just stating a fact. She heard Jane inhale deeply and felt her shifting on the couch beside her.

Jane wasn't really sure what she had expected, in regards to the drinking behaviours of her friend. She really didn't want to know, but at the same time she needed to. "Oh." The small reply was the only response Jane had at the moment.

"I'm not incapacitated, though." It was true. She had only drank lightly throughout the day. "Obviously, I suppose. I, uh, just a few drinks. I tend to only drink heavily later in the day. Usually. I probably will after you leave." Blunt.

Jane reached for the remote to turn the movie off, and readjusted herself on the couch so she was sitting cross-legged, facing Maura. "Do you have to be so- why are you acting like this isn't a problem? It's a problem, Maur. You're casually google-mouthing about your own problematic behaviour and you don't seem to be acknowledging that it _is_ actually a problem."

Maura sighed and pinched at the bridge of her nose. "Maybe. But it's not _your_ problem."

Jane felt ready to beg at this point. "Can it be?" Maura was about to reply when Jane continued, cutting her off. "You won't tell me when you started this, fine. It's not really relevant to the solution anyway. You won't tell me why you started this, which is significantly more relevant, but for some reason I still respect your privacy so I promise I won't ask anymore if you promise me that we'll get you some help. I will literally drop the entire topic if you agree to use the your remaining vacation days to start working on this problem. I know it's not my place to make ultimatums and I know it'll be a waste of our time if you don't actually give a shit about recovering so I'm not going to blackmail you into a corner. You know I could, right? But I won't, although I will put more effort into finding out why until you ask for help. Just so you know." After a minute of silence, Jane added, "And don't even try to lie."

_We_. _Our_. The implied _us_. Why did Jane want there to be a continued _us_? Furthermore, why would Detective Jane agree to stop detecting so easily? Did she honestly want Maura to stop that badly? "Why?" Maura's one word reply was an honest question.

"Why? Why what? Why stop? Because this is hurting you, Maura. Something is hurting you enough for you to turn it into a physical problem. I know it'll still hurt if you stop drinking, whatever it is, but won't that help-"

"No." Maura started talking right over Jane's words, finally asking the question that she had been agonizing over. "Why do you care?"

"Huh?" Jane blinked a few times while trying to comprehend Maura's question. "You're my best friend, Maur. I don't like seeing you struggle like this. And I really don't understand why you seem to think that I don't give two shits about you."

"Because I'm a _pathetic_, _disgusting_, _clingy little leech_ who's chose you as a host! What are you getting out of this relationship? _Honestly_. What are you getting from this?" This discussion was tiring, and Maura felt drained after her outburst. She rested her head in her hands. She really wanted a drink.

Jane stared at her, dumbfounded. She didn't even know how to respond to the sentences that had just been yelled at her. What part would she even address first? How could she quantify and explain how much Maura meant to her?

Maura really _needed_ a drink. Jane was staring at her like she was a rubik's cube and Maura was suffocating and she needed Jane out of her house so she could drink. No, she needed to drink now, in Jane's presence or not. So, still under Jane's confused gaze, she got up to find the closest available wine bottle, leaving Jane alone on the couch.

Minutes had passed and Jane was still sitting alone in the room, desperately trying to grasp the right answer to Maura's question. When she realized how long Maura had been gone for, she got up and left the room to find her, even if she had no proper answer for her.

She found Maura just in time to watch her pour a glass of wine.

_"Really?"_

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**Oh HA HA HA, all you saps wanting Maura to be happy (no really i want her to be happy too) and HA HA HA you few realists saying "um this ain't something you can fix just like that" (oh yes, i'm quite aware of that) and HA HA HA me going what are words? (i still don't know)**

**This is my mystical way of saying I've decided on happy/unhappy ending and not telling any of you what it will be. Suckers. ;)**

**Yeah, Jane's Google-fu is weak, I know, it'll improve (but hey _she_ knows better than to make gross ultimatums).**

**Thank you for the lovely reviews so far (psst they still make my heart go pitter patter you know you want my heart to pitter patter, don't you?) and the sudden ****_huge_**** influx of views after my little delete/re-upload crisis.**


	11. Chapter 10

_She found Maura just in time to watch her pour a glass of wine._

_"Really?"_

* * *

"Yes, really." Maura paused to sip her wine. "I do believe I am allowed to have a drink whenever I wish when in the confines of my own home. Or outside it for that matter. During my free time, that is. I didn't ever get the chance to tell you that I've never been inebriated at work, by the way. If that helps at all."

Jane dropped her head and brought a hand up to grasp the back of it, rubbing her neck as she attempted to compose herself. "True, you are." She muttered the agreement to the floor, more than to Maura. Raising her head, she cocked an eyebrow. "Worst movie night ever."

"Very funny." Maura sighed at Jane's attempt at humor.

Jane's jaw clenched as she stared up at the ceiling for a beat. "But it's not. I know I've said I can't stop you, but what the hell, Maura? Do you have to wave this in my face? Not that hiding it was any better, but Maur, I _don't know_ what to do for you."

Maura was starting to lose her patience with this act. Jane needed to drop the friend charade and just go. "Why would you want to do anything?"

"Goddammit, Maura, what the fuck do I need to do to show you how much I care about you? Apparently I need to prove that before you'll even have a proper conversation with me, because all you've been doing is throwing ridiculous questions at me."

Jane's concern was starting to really confuse Maura, reality mixing with the warped reality of her current headspace. Jane wanted to be friends? Why? Did she care? "I don't know." It was true. She didn't know what kind of proof she would need from Jane. True, Jane hadn't ran when she had found out about Maura's drinking problem, but was that a sign of friendship? Jane was the one initiating most of their contact too, forcing her way into Maura's house, inviting her for supper (not that Maura had accepted), insisting on this terrible excuse for a movie night. Maybe? Jane was still standing here, with Maura, despite everything that Maura had done.

"Maura, please, there has to be _something_," Jane pleaded. "What do I need to do to make you see that I care. Tell me what do. Anything."

Still thinking, Maura sipped at her wine again, causing Jane to sigh and turn away. "You said you wouldn't stop me, if I didn't want to. You can't even look at me? One thing that would help is if you acted like you could tolerate being around me! You push your way into my home, invite yourself in and then flinch every time alcohol is even a possible subject? It's going to be a common subject!"

"Well I'm sorry if I'm not fully fucking equipped to deal with this, Maur!" Jane rapidly spun back towards Maura and took a few steps forward, tiptoeing on the edge of Maura's personal space. "I can't help that it makes me uncomfortable thinking about what you're doing to yourself. Especially when you keep trying to push me away!"

_"Because I don't want to hurt you!"_ Maura's house took another red stain as she threw her glass to the side while stepping forward to literally shove Jane away from her. "Why do you keep letting me hurt you?" Her voice dropped from a yell to a whisper by the end of the question, barely managing to get the last words out. She wrapped her arms around herself and her gaze dropped to the floor.

Any hard edges that might have graced Jane's features immediately softened at the crushingly sincere question. Consciously keeping a respectful distance she dropped to a crouch to force Maura to meet her eyes. "I don't know what you think you've done to me. I swear to you, you have not done a single thing. The only thing that's affecting me is what you're doing to yourself." She stood up and inched closer, slowly, as if she were afraid that any sudden movement would cause Maura to bolt. "It's killing me to see you so out of control, and knowing that this is something that I can do nothing to protect you from, unless you let me. You have done _nothing_ to me. Nothing."

Maura looked up, eyes glassy. "You don't know that."

Jane stood back up, and brushed away the wrinkles from her pants. "Well, what I don't know can't hurt me."

"And that's a common misconception." A sad smile appeared on Maura's face. "You've no idea the things you don't know."

"Then tell me! That's all I've been asking you to do, so fucking do it! Come." Jane stalked back towards the living room, implying for Maura to follow. Maura allowed herself one quick, quiet, dry sob as she stared at the shattered glass on the ground. Then she followed Jane's trail, anticipating an awkward conversation on the couch.

.

"You've got a week left of your vacation time. You could use that to work on an end to this."

Maura brushed a few stray strands of hair from her face, extending the silence that enveloped the room after Jane's suggestion. "And if I have no intentions of doing so?"

"But," Jane's hands were suddenly clenched into tight fists, the one sign of her sudden anger that she failed to supress. "Why _wouldn't _you want to stop? I don't understand how you don't... why don't you see this as a problem? How is it not a huge fucking problem in your mind?" Jane was struggling to keep her voice at an even level.

Maura simply sighed at the repeated sentiment. "I fail to see an issue here, as none of this has impaired my life as of yet." Not in any ways that Jane knew about, anyway. "For one, has there been a decline in the quality of my job performance? You yourself said that you haven't a clue how long I've been..." She paused to find a fitting phrase that wouldn't give everything away, but would neither be a lie. "Drinking in excess."

"Don't throw that back at me!" Jane's volume control was suddenly broken at the reminder of her blindness to the situation. "Do you have any fucking clue at all as to how much of a failure I feel for missing this?"

"And now you're making this about yourself." Maura muttered the words before she had the chance to run them through her filter. Although this entire ordeal was somewhat about Jane, that was a fact that was best hidden.

The only noise in the room was the sound of melting ice shifting in the glass of water that Jane had poured herself. Jane stammered to fill the silence, "I-"

But the sentence was cut off, as Maura started to talk over Jane's response. "The only reason you do know is because I temporarily lost control, which, as of yet has been the single time I've not been functional."

Closing her eyes momentarily, Jane sighed deeply. "Okay, I think I can promise to not talk about myself if you tell me how long you've been "functional" for." She crossed her arms and turned on the couch to completely face Maura, her burning gaze unwavering.

Comparatively, this was a rather harmless question, so Maura felt okay to factually state, "Around eight months."

"_Eight?_" Jane's arms uncrossed as she offered her palms up in the air. "Jesus fucking Christ, Maura, you've been doing this for eight months?"

"Not to the extent that you've seen, Jane!" Neither to the extent that she hadn't seen, as well. "I've told you, since the day you barged in on me, this is out of the norm."

"Fucking hell, Maur, _this whole situation is out of the norm._" Jane's words were getting louder again, but her tone stayed calm.

Suppressing the urge to roll her eyes, Maura continued to answer with a factual air to her words. "My normal is not your normal. Really, normal is quite an undefined term."

"Stop. With this matter of fact. Bullshit. Could you act as if you have an emotional stake in this, instead of just "beep beep I'm a robot"ing at me?" Jane felt another wave of anger roll through her at Maura's continued nonchalance. "You can't tell me that there isn't some emotional investment in this?"

She couldn't. All of Maura's actions had been a result of her emotions. Or rather, an attempt to suppress them. "No, I can't"

"Tell me the emotions, then! We're going in fucking circles here, Dr. Avoidance."

They were going in circles, indeed. Maura felt trapped by these circles. She didn't want to be talking about this to anybody, least of all Jane. Jane, whose part in this production kept shifting. Maura was now teetering on the edge of the idea that Jane really was sincere in the way she was acting. The idea that somehow this relationship, platonic, but better than nothing, could be salvaged. However, salvaging this relationship meant pushing any romantic feelings away, far enough away that Jane would continue to be painfully obliviously to Maura's dreams. And currently, Jane was asking directly about those feelings. Maura, not coming up with any half-truths quick enough, simply spat out another ugly question. "Are you intending to psychoanalyze me?"

Long beats of uncomfortable silence were now becoming common between the two, and Jane again took a deep, steadying breath. Looking unimpressed, Jane said, "Of the two of us, I think you're the one more qualified for psychobabble, so no, I wasn't. Maybe you should go find someone to analyze you though, since you won't talk to me." Maura could see that Jane was hurt by Maura's own rushed reply, and she felt a pang of guilt, deep in her stomach. She was doing that harm causing thing again, it seemed to be coming quite easily to her now. Jane continued as she stood up, "I don't- I can't argue with you any longer with you right now, so I'm going to go. I will be back in three days, half of your remaining free time, for another... for lack of a better term, movie night. Can you please try and get out of your head so we can actually talk, instead of running in loud, angry circles? And maybe actually think about finding someone a little more qualified than me to talk to, if that might really help." She paused at the door. "I hope you enjoyed your glass of wine."

.

Drops of morphine and a few hours later, Maura lay in the dark and thought about her situation. _Did _she want to stop? It wasn't like drinking her liver away was actually making any difference to her feelings. It simply... dumbed them down a little. She handled the same feelings alright before, it was only when Casey was thrown into the mix that she seemed to become incapable of dealing with her own thoughts. She absently wondered what Jane's words would be if she wasn't with Casey. Would it be, "I'll be back tomorrow" instead of "I'll be back in three days after you've sat in the corner and thought about what you've done"? There had always been an implied "I'll be back tomorrow" before Jane had begun to split her time between Maura and Casey. Always tomorrow. Attached at the hip? Is that how people put it? Although she was aware she was actually like a jealous schoolchild, Maura suddenly felt very lonely.

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**Meh. I don't know what I'm doing. I think I may have mentioned that before. I think I also mentioned that reviews make my frown turn upside down. I don't know.**


	12. Chapter 11

Maura had really done nothing but drink and drug herself into a complete haze since Jane had left on movie night, and suddenly three days had passed and she realized she had about an hour before Jane would arrive on her doorstep. She hadn't put much thought into anything, as Jane had instructed her to do, and really only focused on the fact that each drink she had was putting her one step closer to ruining pretty much everything that she had built for herself. Somewhere in the span of the three days Maura had realized she had hit the point of no return, and that functionality that she thought she had a grasp on was slowly slipping from her hands. The problem, she realized, was that she didn't seem to care enough to grip tighter.

When she had become aware of the time she had initially planned on coming up with plausible half-truths to feed to Jane when she arrived, but her now common drunken apathy had different plans. While she had somewhat come to the conclusion that Jane did care about the outcome of this situation, Maura had decided that the best thing to do was to just cut ties and go back to being alone. Completely alone. She would have to resign, as the small part of her that was still able to give a shit about things knew that since she had hit this metaphorical point of no return, there really would be no returning, and therefore she would be rather incompetent as the Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. She had a rough draft of how her life would continue. She could simply become one of those rich, entitled assholes who could do whatever the fuck they wanted, as long as they had enough bills to toss around. She certainly did.

.

When Maura had led Jane to her living room, it was really quite obvious that there was no way in hell that Maura was currently sober. This unsettled Jane, as she had hoped that Maura would somehow get some sense slapped into her. Jane watched as Maura let herself fall waywardly onto the couch, and then patted the spot beside her, indicating for Jane to sit. Jane sat.

"So-"

Maura didn't want to hear whatever it was that Jane was intending to say, as she wanted to get this over and done with, so she could move on to her entitled asshole life. "Just sit." With the short statement, Maura thrust herself up from the couch and shuffled off down the hallway.

"Maura! Would you- would you stop just walking out on me?" Jane called in frustration before standing up to follow. She stopped when she decided that perhaps it was best to let Maura do whatever it was she seemed to have planned. With no one in sight she stood in the middle on the room, feeling stupid for thinking that leaving Maura alone for three days would cause her to have some sort of epiphany, especially after her admittance that she had no intention of putting down the bottle. Jane had assumed this to be some sort of weird bluff, what with Maura's sudden odd manner of thinking. She was so fucking stupid, because really, she had been told straight up how things were going to be, while she buried her head in the sand and hoped for a sunny outcome. Suddenly she was pitching her arm out to catch a small item that had been gently tossed at her. "What the hell?"

Brushing past Jane on the way to the kitchen, Maura gestured between herself and the item in Jane's hand, "You're the detective Jane. Use your fucking intestines." And then Jane was once again the only occupant of the room.

Quietly reading out loud to herself, Jane squinted at the bottle that had so suddenly been placed in her possession. "Liquid... morphine, property of... Boston Police..."

Woah. No. No no no fucking way was Maura implying what Jane thought she was implying. Okay, maybe she was implying it if Jane was thinking it but no. No. She followed the trail that Maura had left. "There is no way you are trying to tell me what I think you are..." Jane trailed off as Maura came into her sight, standing at the counter tipping her glass towards Jane. Glancing down at the bottle once more, Jane for the first time noticed how empty the bottle was. "You seriously haven't? You have. You fucking have."

Maura just chuckled bitterly. "I honestly wasn't drunk that day you came barging in." Her eyes were trained on the container in Jane's hands, to add emphasis. "I was-"

"Yeah," Jane cut in. "You were.

Four days were all that was left of Maura's vacation time, and with this added bombshell, along with Maura's current state made it clear to Jane that four days were far too few to fix anything. Two weeks had been too few. And god knows what that first week actually entailed, and Jane counted that as time wasted.

Meanwhile, Maura was just pleased that she had ripped off the bandaid, and had quickly ended everything with one final stab of pain.

"Maur, how do you intend to-"

Once more Jane was interrupted, Maura choosing to carry on a rather one sided conversation. "I don't intend to do anything, Jane."

Angry at being spoken over, angry at the situation in general, Jane's volume control was broken. "What the fuck does that mean? Look at you, how fucking drunk are you right now?"

Maura quickly cut in with, "Very."

"Shut the fuck up! What the hell is wrong with you? I don't- you know, I don't even give a shit what started this anymore, what the new plan here is how the fuck we are going to fix this. I'm not going to- fuck, look at you," Jane flailed the bottle around in the air, "Look at this. This isn't a secret anymore, Maur. I'm done. I thought you'd actually do something with the time I bought you, but no. No, you are evidently set on fucking yourself up, aren't you?"

"Oh, Jane," Maura flashed a goofy smile that was completely inappropriate for the situation, "It really doesn't matter any more, does it?"

"Why the fuck not? Do you think I'm letting you go back to work like this? Functional, my ass. Dumb fucking luck is obviously what let you go this far unnoticed."

"Jane. I just won't go back to work. And then you won't have to worry about me. Me. Me, I'll just carry on doing what I'm currently best at doing." Maura pointed at the bottle in Jane's hand.

"The fuck you won't!" Whatever censor Jane had brought with her when she arrived at Maura's house dissolved completely. "You seriously want to throw away everything you've worked so hard for so you can sit on your ass all day, drunk or stoned out of your fucking mind? Because you are clearly out of your goddamned mind. No, we're doing something about this. Now. I'm not leaving until we have some sort of plan to get you cleaned up and back on your feet."

Maura huffed. "Oh, you're pulling out he royal "We" now? What are "We" going to do here, Jane? I've realized that I've gone too far to turn back, after my little break in the café. Why don't you just realize the same thing and just go on with your life?"

Jane chucked the bottle across the room, bringing the inanimate object causality rate in Maura's home higher. "How the fuck do you honestly think I'm going to just let you do this? No, fuck this, you're coming with me right now and I am not leaving you alone until where I'm leaving you is at some fucking high end rehab center that I know you can afford."

Maura simply stood still, swirling the wine in her glass before taking a large sip. "Is this an intervention, now?"

Jane's hands flew above her head. "Call it whatever the fuck you want, Maur, you are coming with me, I am making a bunch of phone calls, and we are putting this shit behind you. Now." Jane reached out and grabbed Maura's arm, jerking Maura forward. "Get your ass moving. I don't even care if all you have are the clothes on your goddamned back, I'll come back here and take care of your shit for you later."

Maura plopped her glass down on a counter as she was being led through her house, the remaining tiny rational bit of her brain telling her not to stop Jane's anger induced actions. Not to stop this "intervention". She found herself slipping on shoes and being ushered into Jane's car. "Where are we going?"

Jane slammed her door shut. "I have no fucking clue yet, Maura! All I know is you are not leaving my sight until we get you someplace safe. Go ahead and hate me, or whatever, I'm not letting you do this any more, and I'm not letting you do anything stupid like quitting your fucking job to become a professional wine drinker."

Maura just scoffed at Jane's words. As they pulled out of Maura's driveway, she leaned her head against the window and slurred, "You just don't get it, do you? I could _never_ hate you."

Jane sighed and just drove in silence, while Maura sat and went along for the ride.

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**Leave me a review or something, yeah?**


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